I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.
Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.
When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.
Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada. My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.
Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.
But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.
Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.
