The faces I've seen....

The past 2 yrs in recovery I've been in meetings seeing some of the most damaged faces of addiction, self loathing, someone w/multiple scars on their wrists, people missing teeth who would otherwise be attractive. And people with meth mouth. The pain etched in them is enough to keep me sober. My worst day sober was much better than my best day using. I miss those highs but I can remember the desperation of trying to get more. They say in one fellowship "A thousand is never enough." That's true. And motivation. So I'm gonna post a couple of good songs about these issues and dedicate them to the faces of pain that I've seen. (Some died of their addict

Broken Bells"The High Road" Check out the lyrics.

Garbage's "Bleed Like me"


More will be revealed....

Neediness, Plain and Simple

I almost have gotten to the year mark in sobriety. The given rule in AA or NA is it's suggested no relationships (or romantic, sexual involvement) until that year has passed. Well I made the mistake of getting involved w/a male friend of three years. I didn't think it would hurt as they were mainly physical urges. Well, afterward a neediness crept in that I didn't see coming. A friend summed it up. "How do you remove the word STUPID off your forehead?"

Jay (name changed for privacy reasons) and I had been buddies since 2010. He had a roving eye and loved the ladies. Also he is married still. He's not even pressing forward w/the divorce although he's living separately from his wife. A developmental systems analyst for Emory University and a musician in 2 rock bands. I have a weakness for musicians. He also just broke up w/a woman who was, as I saw back in December, looked like she was about to pass out from Thorazine.

I got physically and sexually involved with Jay after persuing him. He had weird hangups and intimacy issues. I thought my taste would have gotten healthier but no, it didn't. Vigilance is key in recovery. No man (or woman) is going to fill my void. I still must be happy w/myself. My judgement was clouded like being on a drug. I got angry and retaliated on social media. He unfriended me. As it is now, I've learned a painful lesson. But I'm feeling better emotionally. It's my physical body that's suffering at the moment but that's another story, albeit a private one. However, I'm feeling hopeful again.

More will be revealed....

Drama within support groups and other issues

Every now and then there are struggles within AA or NA. My opinion is that's gonna happen w/any relationship. One has happened to me. But I refuse to play victim as I know I have grown in the past year. Oh I cried at first. Then I realized...My main character defect was being the victim....not having enough backbone. well those days are over
.
I can only stay in today and live in the moment. But I have goals to meet so I'm moving forward. Recently I was accused of "not being clean". Well to some of the "hard ass AA and NA "nazis" I will be judged. One was a friend w/such an attitude that was close to Scientology. I am on mental health meds and I'm bipolar. Sometimes doctors get the dosages wrong and over medicate. I do believe in the minimum amount of medication. I seen people who are "fat, bloated automatons" from being overmedicated. Sometimes they look so blank. I recently wanted to reduce one of my meds so I didn't get that way, the fatigue was too much. Then I lost sleep. So now I'm back on my full dose and I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it.

I am going to keep moving forward because I have been sober. Period. Also I have worked too hard on my defects this year. People have problems and are subject to human frailties even more so on their journeys then a so called "normie"


As always,
More will be revealed.

My take on what is known as Dope Sickness"

The year: 1995. My future husband and I were at the Emergency room, a place I hated w/a passion. Several Pelvic exams later and an Ultrasound, two cysts were found on my ovaries. One was huge, at first they thought I had appendicitis. My white cell count was climbing. Turned out I had to have surgery, and they were also gonna look for endometreosis. I was discharged w/a pain pill perscrption of Lortabs and given 5 percocets to go. They had me take one of the percocets and a cup of water to wash it down with. I was a boozer not a pill junkie, or so I thought.

30 minutes later I was with my boyfriend, when a sweet fuzzy warm floating feeling came over me. It was the birth of my cross addiction. Between 1995 and June 2011, I was chasing that seductive high by doctor shopping, ER hopping, and when I didn't have it?
 A horrible deathly virus-like state known as dope sickness. Opiates are nothing to mess with. I would lay for days after calling in sick at work w/a "virus." I had no strength and it had to be treated with diarrhea meds, and nausea medication.

Today, I'm grateful I don't have to live like that. If you are chasing that state of mind, I suggest you get help. Booze is my main drug of choice but opiates are a seductive second. I've known many in the program of Narcotics anonymous who went back out and died. Vigilance is key. There's nmore behind my struggles in life, but this was on my mind today...
More Will Be Revealed....

The Desire To Be The Human Being I Was Meant To Be..Whatever That Is

Honestly, I consider myself a good person. I made bad choices though, years of spinning my mental wheels and sometimes thinking I had the worse case of bad self esteem on the planet.
I keep wondering what started this. Birth? Being 2 weeks late being born? Foreceps?  Mom was telling me about the day I was born. My fat head was jammed in her thin birth canal. She said the doctor seemed to be in a hurry.  Probably was itching to get to his golf game or fuck his mistress, or both. So he pressed hard on that pair of foreceps and I finally came out, and got my first stinging slap.

I was always the girl picked last for kickball at school.
The most picked on, except for when one kid tried to set my hair on fire and I punched him in the eye. I  loved my earlier childhood in Maryville Tennessee, it was when my father was transferred to Atlanta that some troubles seemed to brew.

Anyhow I thought of those things. You reflect a lot going to AA and NA meetings with a piece of paper has to be signed proving you attended them.

Sleeping in a twin bunk bed with 4 other women crammed into a small room got to be nerve wracking sometimes, and at other times there was a sense of commradery.We had to be in bed at 11:00 pm or you were were infracted. Caught with your cell phone on texting or talking infracted with a chance of losing your weekend pass. In hindsight I saw some of the types of women and girls there and it was kind of necessary to a point. But Janice was a mean looking African American bull dyke sort of looking woman who was no nonsense. We had to pee in a cup in front of her and it was humiliating to say the least. Many of the women were mandated or came straight from jail, and thought nothing of it. You would think with some of the deviant behavior I engaged in when I was drunk and doing pills, completely nude it wouldn't bother me. But I was stripped of all my favorite alcoholic drinks and pills, so no, it was difficult, however I was still allowed to take my mental health medications.  But I grew used to the awful dreaded chore. Speaking of chores, we had one different chore in the townhouse assigned to us each week.
But out of all this...I started to become a human again.

More will be revealed.