"Party of One....Plus dog"

 Today has been a difficult day for me emotionally. Everyone seems to have a mate or a significant other. I have been picky. I have trust issues and a "broke picker". Believe me I've had offers, but I want an educated man in my life not some camo-wearing redneck. Rednecks are all I see down here. HP forgive me but that's how I feel.

 Having a pity party and writing down my feelings. Plus my back still hurts from a work injury. Why do I always feel this way? It's possibly a character defect that I always am the odd woman out. The outsider. Saw Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" the other night and I belong with the misfits. Even at work some of my fellow co-workers give me weird looks, like I'm nuts. Now...time to get into the solution. I'm heading to a meeting tonight. As bad as I feel my soul will feel better.

More will be revealed...

Vampires, Werewolves, and Alcoholism Part 2

 Part 2 My take on all of the hoopla surrounding vampires is this: They are dependent on human blood. They are lonely creatures who isolate and have this dark romantic side. Some can come out only at night, others, well can function in daylight.

 I remember the worst days of my addiction. Waking up in the middle of the night, looking up at the stars, and writing poetry. Feeling horrible like my body would cave in when I didn't drink. My take on all of this is metaphoric rather than physical. Now that I'm in recovery and leading a life again I still enjoy the different vampire dramas. My parents think I'm nuts, but I'm alright w/that today. Who wouldn't want to look young forever, have superhuman strength and quick reflexes? It's a very seductive quality that draws us to these stories. As my friend said recently, I'm from the land of the not-quite-right, where everything's alright...Because I know what I'm about and my friends in recovery accept me.

More will be revealed....

Vampires, Werewolves, and Alcoholism

 Before I go to the subject, I want to to say that I have never truly understood the word "normal". I saw and still see myself as the family weirdo. When I turned 14, my first love was Luke Skywalker. I went on to digest every sci-show and movies, books that I could get my hands on. Fast forward to 2008. I had gone through a divorce, and had to deal w/my addictions. Through the most recent years it was vampire and fantasy TV shows/movies. Being the brooding dark poet type and about to enter the most addictive phase of my life ( which I'm free from now..And grateful)

 I was into Buffy, Angel, and then the Twilight saga came out. I couldn't get enough. I have always felt sympathetic towards these creatures. And everything vampire I watched. I still enjoy it. I believe there's a metaphoric parallel between these lonely, romantic creatures of the night ( Ok the Cullens were able to be out during the day as well.) and many who have alcohol/ addiction problems. Blood is a life giving force, and that's why in my opinion they seek it. Like an addiction. They have to feed their addiction and survive. I know it's a weird take on the genre, but that's why I love it. I'm sober now 14 months almost and not turning back..I have too much to live for. But I still enjoy my Vampire, Fantasy, and Sci Fi. I'm embracing who I am without shame. (Well for the most part my alcoholism caused some some weird behavior from 2010-2011.)

 More will be revealed....

The pit I feared I'd never climb out of alive...

2010. My disease took me to the most insane point of my life. While there was a me that was wanting me to move forward, there was another me that said Fuck it...I'm gonna explore some distrastrous new horizons. And I followed them. I was buying alcohol after breakfast in the morning, living with my mother and in the bottom of a deep pit. Struggling...and more struggling. I opened up an alternate Twitter account and started posting nude photos of myself while drunk, getting into swinging just to feel someone's touch. Going to their parties, getting drunk so I could engage in that behavior.

Even they saw a damaged person, and didn't invite me back. By the time I had moved to my brother's I couldn't get any kind treatment. Honestly I wanted to be in a state of sedation all the time.
    Before I moved to the halfway house I made the decision as a last resort ...Part of me still wanted to live.

I'm posting the song "Down in a Hole" because it describes the situation. The musician singing it, the late Alice in Chains frontman Layne Staley died of his addiction, and his body was found 3 weeks after he passed away.

Even then my recovery was trying to interrupt my drinking. Thank God. I hope to God this blog helps someone.

More will be revealed...

"Pauley"

After being at the halfway townhouse a while, I met a kindred spirit at my job. We were in the training room, at the telemarketing agency where I was working. Now I had gone thru 2 sponsors at this point, and I was stubborn and procrastinated about working steps. It's one of my defects.

When they say no relationships for the first year they should include "BFF's" But Pauley Ebert was such an inspiration. She was many things. A sister, a daughter, a best friend, and she is a very passionate person. But codependency is another defect I'm working on. Looking back, I wasn't taking the 12 steps seriously.

 I'm paying better attention to that now. When I moved out of FFB I made a quick decision to move into a room at a house that another in recovery, least I thought she was. It was a bad situation and in September of 2012 I started my brief relapse. On my actual birthday when I turned 49, Pauley and I had a fallout. She had more of a life, a new boyfriend and I was acting so needy. It's painful to look back on but the fallout was at a meeting place. I have learned much more this year and still I'm a work in progress as many sober in recovery are. Well on Oct 5th, I picked up a white chip, feeling dopesick, nauseous and aching all over. I had had a tooth removed and I couldn't say no to the strong painkiller prescription the dentist gave me. I compounded that with my first love, alcohol. So glad I came back. Since then I have moved, gone through life's trials sober and  made it to a year. And taken the 12 steps very seriously.

 Pauley and I are still friends, and I have learned to let go.... As for romance and looking for someone to love, that's another story. But I'm grateful and honored to know my friend Pauley. She's a great gem in my network.

More will be revealed...

The faces I've seen....

The past 2 yrs in recovery I've been in meetings seeing some of the most damaged faces of addiction, self loathing, someone w/multiple scars on their wrists, people missing teeth who would otherwise be attractive. And people with meth mouth. The pain etched in them is enough to keep me sober. My worst day sober was much better than my best day using. I miss those highs but I can remember the desperation of trying to get more. They say in one fellowship "A thousand is never enough." That's true. And motivation. So I'm gonna post a couple of good songs about these issues and dedicate them to the faces of pain that I've seen. (Some died of their addict

Broken Bells"The High Road" Check out the lyrics.

Garbage's "Bleed Like me"


More will be revealed....

Neediness, Plain and Simple

I almost have gotten to the year mark in sobriety. The given rule in AA or NA is it's suggested no relationships (or romantic, sexual involvement) until that year has passed. Well I made the mistake of getting involved w/a male friend of three years. I didn't think it would hurt as they were mainly physical urges. Well, afterward a neediness crept in that I didn't see coming. A friend summed it up. "How do you remove the word STUPID off your forehead?"

Jay (name changed for privacy reasons) and I had been buddies since 2010. He had a roving eye and loved the ladies. Also he is married still. He's not even pressing forward w/the divorce although he's living separately from his wife. A developmental systems analyst for Emory University and a musician in 2 rock bands. I have a weakness for musicians. He also just broke up w/a woman who was, as I saw back in December, looked like she was about to pass out from Thorazine.

I got physically and sexually involved with Jay after persuing him. He had weird hangups and intimacy issues. I thought my taste would have gotten healthier but no, it didn't. Vigilance is key in recovery. No man (or woman) is going to fill my void. I still must be happy w/myself. My judgement was clouded like being on a drug. I got angry and retaliated on social media. He unfriended me. As it is now, I've learned a painful lesson. But I'm feeling better emotionally. It's my physical body that's suffering at the moment but that's another story, albeit a private one. However, I'm feeling hopeful again.

More will be revealed....

Drama within support groups and other issues

Every now and then there are struggles within AA or NA. My opinion is that's gonna happen w/any relationship. One has happened to me. But I refuse to play victim as I know I have grown in the past year. Oh I cried at first. Then I realized...My main character defect was being the victim....not having enough backbone. well those days are over
.
I can only stay in today and live in the moment. But I have goals to meet so I'm moving forward. Recently I was accused of "not being clean". Well to some of the "hard ass AA and NA "nazis" I will be judged. One was a friend w/such an attitude that was close to Scientology. I am on mental health meds and I'm bipolar. Sometimes doctors get the dosages wrong and over medicate. I do believe in the minimum amount of medication. I seen people who are "fat, bloated automatons" from being overmedicated. Sometimes they look so blank. I recently wanted to reduce one of my meds so I didn't get that way, the fatigue was too much. Then I lost sleep. So now I'm back on my full dose and I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it.

I am going to keep moving forward because I have been sober. Period. Also I have worked too hard on my defects this year. People have problems and are subject to human frailties even more so on their journeys then a so called "normie"


As always,
More will be revealed.

My take on what is known as Dope Sickness"

The year: 1995. My future husband and I were at the Emergency room, a place I hated w/a passion. Several Pelvic exams later and an Ultrasound, two cysts were found on my ovaries. One was huge, at first they thought I had appendicitis. My white cell count was climbing. Turned out I had to have surgery, and they were also gonna look for endometreosis. I was discharged w/a pain pill perscrption of Lortabs and given 5 percocets to go. They had me take one of the percocets and a cup of water to wash it down with. I was a boozer not a pill junkie, or so I thought.

30 minutes later I was with my boyfriend, when a sweet fuzzy warm floating feeling came over me. It was the birth of my cross addiction. Between 1995 and June 2011, I was chasing that seductive high by doctor shopping, ER hopping, and when I didn't have it?
 A horrible deathly virus-like state known as dope sickness. Opiates are nothing to mess with. I would lay for days after calling in sick at work w/a "virus." I had no strength and it had to be treated with diarrhea meds, and nausea medication.

Today, I'm grateful I don't have to live like that. If you are chasing that state of mind, I suggest you get help. Booze is my main drug of choice but opiates are a seductive second. I've known many in the program of Narcotics anonymous who went back out and died. Vigilance is key. There's nmore behind my struggles in life, but this was on my mind today...
More Will Be Revealed....

The Desire To Be The Human Being I Was Meant To Be..Whatever That Is

Honestly, I consider myself a good person. I made bad choices though, years of spinning my mental wheels and sometimes thinking I had the worse case of bad self esteem on the planet.
I keep wondering what started this. Birth? Being 2 weeks late being born? Foreceps?  Mom was telling me about the day I was born. My fat head was jammed in her thin birth canal. She said the doctor seemed to be in a hurry.  Probably was itching to get to his golf game or fuck his mistress, or both. So he pressed hard on that pair of foreceps and I finally came out, and got my first stinging slap.

I was always the girl picked last for kickball at school.
The most picked on, except for when one kid tried to set my hair on fire and I punched him in the eye. I  loved my earlier childhood in Maryville Tennessee, it was when my father was transferred to Atlanta that some troubles seemed to brew.

Anyhow I thought of those things. You reflect a lot going to AA and NA meetings with a piece of paper has to be signed proving you attended them.

Sleeping in a twin bunk bed with 4 other women crammed into a small room got to be nerve wracking sometimes, and at other times there was a sense of commradery.We had to be in bed at 11:00 pm or you were were infracted. Caught with your cell phone on texting or talking infracted with a chance of losing your weekend pass. In hindsight I saw some of the types of women and girls there and it was kind of necessary to a point. But Janice was a mean looking African American bull dyke sort of looking woman who was no nonsense. We had to pee in a cup in front of her and it was humiliating to say the least. Many of the women were mandated or came straight from jail, and thought nothing of it. You would think with some of the deviant behavior I engaged in when I was drunk and doing pills, completely nude it wouldn't bother me. But I was stripped of all my favorite alcoholic drinks and pills, so no, it was difficult, however I was still allowed to take my mental health medications.  But I grew used to the awful dreaded chore. Speaking of chores, we had one different chore in the townhouse assigned to us each week.
But out of all this...I started to become a human again.

More will be revealed.

My Higher Power

I always had difficulty with religion, so I had to surrender each day to what I considered a power greater than myself. I work the 12 steps on a daily basis. I have to, I feel, to keep my sanity. I had been in 12 step programs in and out till now. I am working on my 1st year for the fourth time, and I'm almost there. No reservations, no thinking I'm normal anymore. That's the trap that lets the beast out of the cage. In my next posts I'm gonna revisit my past. Not all my brain cells were destroyed.

By the way I was birthed w/foreceps. That retards some people, I was lucky.

I'm gonna start visiting some very early memories....

More will be revealed....

An Alien Envirionment....The Halfway House

Once I had my things checked in at FFB (They call it Freedom from Bondage) I went to my new room. I was bunkmates w/2 other women. Women were in and out of there all the time. I'm not going to focus on the details but I remember when I went for the first day. The director, was a tough, mean looking sort of person but a recovering addict as well with 5 yrs. cleantime.I was in a unit with 9 other women and let me tell you, that can be nerve wracking. My roommate there was a tough woman named Kate whom everyone had warned me about. One girl described her as "Miss know it all".  None of us are perfect though. Cindy scared the hell out of me, because of what I had heard. When she finally got home from her work, she accused me of drinking her Cherry Coke. We weren't to touch anything w/a name on it but there was no name on the Cherry cokes. Things like that happened all the time and I grew used to the BS.

 I found a job at a telemarketing firm, and started to become a responsible adult again. The 1st three months I'll admit, I was in a state of self pity and despair. Not easy at all.  Especially since the night one lady flunked her drug test for the second time. Before she was picked up by her ex husband I remember the grim look on her face. She died 3 days later.
Not all the times were bad. I began to experience joy, life, made a couple new friends, and finally found a good sponsor.
More will be revealed....

Looking back on the beginning, and a lifetime of reflection

I was standing with my bags, my brother, sister--n-law, mom, and my seven nieces and nephews all standing in the living room of my brother's house. I had been sobbing all morning, full of fear. This was it. I was 47 years old and had been in a disastrous marriage, and 2 sick live in relationships. Plus a failed fling with a woman. There was more insanity but I'm saving that for later. No police or law enforcement, just a decision I made to save my life.
 Beverly had come to pick me up, she was from AA.

"Mom", I tearfully said, "please take care of my baby"
"Suzy you know I will", mom said.
. My baby was an 11 yr. old chihuahua named Sophie. I hugged all the children, reluctantly hugged my brother and sister n law.
Then it was time to go. Sitting in Bev's car, I had remembered a song, an old Styx song. "Crystal Ball."
I'm going to share it with you, the reader. Listen to the words because that was the mindset I was in.

 

More will be revealed...

Prelude: An Important decision

I'll never forget that hot June day in 2011. It was humid, I had gathered all the baggage I thought I'd needed, and kept holding and kissing my dog. I had decided to move to a halfway house in Athens Georgia. No law was mandating me into this. I mandated myself. The insanity, living for my next drink and wanting to die in my sleep because there was no place to go ruled my life. I made a decision that would change it forever.
I felt beaten, my family didn't want me around, and I felt like I was at the bottom of a hole....or maybe a mountain.

But there was one small part of me that hung on....
The part that said Suz this isn't you....reach out for help.......
And I did.

More will be revealed...