The pit I feared I'd never climb out of alive...

2010. My disease took me to the most insane point of my life. While there was a me that was wanting me to move forward, there was another me that said Fuck it...I'm gonna explore some distrastrous new horizons. And I followed them. I was buying alcohol after breakfast in the morning, living with my mother and in the bottom of a deep pit. Struggling...and more struggling. I opened up an alternate Twitter account and started posting nude photos of myself while drunk, getting into swinging just to feel someone's touch. Going to their parties, getting drunk so I could engage in that behavior.

Even they saw a damaged person, and didn't invite me back. By the time I had moved to my brother's I couldn't get any kind treatment. Honestly I wanted to be in a state of sedation all the time.
    Before I moved to the halfway house I made the decision as a last resort ...Part of me still wanted to live.

I'm posting the song "Down in a Hole" because it describes the situation. The musician singing it, the late Alice in Chains frontman Layne Staley died of his addiction, and his body was found 3 weeks after he passed away.

Even then my recovery was trying to interrupt my drinking. Thank God. I hope to God this blog helps someone.

More will be revealed...

"Pauley"

After being at the halfway townhouse a while, I met a kindred spirit at my job. We were in the training room, at the telemarketing agency where I was working. Now I had gone thru 2 sponsors at this point, and I was stubborn and procrastinated about working steps. It's one of my defects.

When they say no relationships for the first year they should include "BFF's" But Pauley Ebert was such an inspiration. She was many things. A sister, a daughter, a best friend, and she is a very passionate person. But codependency is another defect I'm working on. Looking back, I wasn't taking the 12 steps seriously.

 I'm paying better attention to that now. When I moved out of FFB I made a quick decision to move into a room at a house that another in recovery, least I thought she was. It was a bad situation and in September of 2012 I started my brief relapse. On my actual birthday when I turned 49, Pauley and I had a fallout. She had more of a life, a new boyfriend and I was acting so needy. It's painful to look back on but the fallout was at a meeting place. I have learned much more this year and still I'm a work in progress as many sober in recovery are. Well on Oct 5th, I picked up a white chip, feeling dopesick, nauseous and aching all over. I had had a tooth removed and I couldn't say no to the strong painkiller prescription the dentist gave me. I compounded that with my first love, alcohol. So glad I came back. Since then I have moved, gone through life's trials sober and  made it to a year. And taken the 12 steps very seriously.

 Pauley and I are still friends, and I have learned to let go.... As for romance and looking for someone to love, that's another story. But I'm grateful and honored to know my friend Pauley. She's a great gem in my network.

More will be revealed...