My Higher Power

I always had difficulty with religion, so I had to surrender each day to what I considered a power greater than myself. I work the 12 steps on a daily basis. I have to, I feel, to keep my sanity. I had been in 12 step programs in and out till now. I am working on my 1st year for the fourth time, and I'm almost there. No reservations, no thinking I'm normal anymore. That's the trap that lets the beast out of the cage. In my next posts I'm gonna revisit my past. Not all my brain cells were destroyed.

By the way I was birthed w/foreceps. That retards some people, I was lucky.

I'm gonna start visiting some very early memories....

More will be revealed....

An Alien Envirionment....The Halfway House

Once I had my things checked in at FFB (They call it Freedom from Bondage) I went to my new room. I was bunkmates w/2 other women. Women were in and out of there all the time. I'm not going to focus on the details but I remember when I went for the first day. The director, was a tough, mean looking sort of person but a recovering addict as well with 5 yrs. cleantime.I was in a unit with 9 other women and let me tell you, that can be nerve wracking. My roommate there was a tough woman named Kate whom everyone had warned me about. One girl described her as "Miss know it all".  None of us are perfect though. Cindy scared the hell out of me, because of what I had heard. When she finally got home from her work, she accused me of drinking her Cherry Coke. We weren't to touch anything w/a name on it but there was no name on the Cherry cokes. Things like that happened all the time and I grew used to the BS.

 I found a job at a telemarketing firm, and started to become a responsible adult again. The 1st three months I'll admit, I was in a state of self pity and despair. Not easy at all.  Especially since the night one lady flunked her drug test for the second time. Before she was picked up by her ex husband I remember the grim look on her face. She died 3 days later.
Not all the times were bad. I began to experience joy, life, made a couple new friends, and finally found a good sponsor.
More will be revealed....

Looking back on the beginning, and a lifetime of reflection

I was standing with my bags, my brother, sister--n-law, mom, and my seven nieces and nephews all standing in the living room of my brother's house. I had been sobbing all morning, full of fear. This was it. I was 47 years old and had been in a disastrous marriage, and 2 sick live in relationships. Plus a failed fling with a woman. There was more insanity but I'm saving that for later. No police or law enforcement, just a decision I made to save my life.
 Beverly had come to pick me up, she was from AA.

"Mom", I tearfully said, "please take care of my baby"
"Suzy you know I will", mom said.
. My baby was an 11 yr. old chihuahua named Sophie. I hugged all the children, reluctantly hugged my brother and sister n law.
Then it was time to go. Sitting in Bev's car, I had remembered a song, an old Styx song. "Crystal Ball."
I'm going to share it with you, the reader. Listen to the words because that was the mindset I was in.

 

More will be revealed...

Prelude: An Important decision

I'll never forget that hot June day in 2011. It was humid, I had gathered all the baggage I thought I'd needed, and kept holding and kissing my dog. I had decided to move to a halfway house in Athens Georgia. No law was mandating me into this. I mandated myself. The insanity, living for my next drink and wanting to die in my sleep because there was no place to go ruled my life. I made a decision that would change it forever.
I felt beaten, my family didn't want me around, and I felt like I was at the bottom of a hole....or maybe a mountain.

But there was one small part of me that hung on....
The part that said Suz this isn't you....reach out for help.......
And I did.

More will be revealed...