Just a swangin'...not like the old song

2009-2011
After my divorce, I lived in Winder. To me Barrow County was nothing but rows of cow pastures. I moved in with my mother. Life on life's terms was moving on slow motion and misery. I had gotten through Methadone withdrawal alive, which is another story. But I had started writing again, and with what things I saw from naughty people's twitter accounts, it looked like maybe I had a future writing smut.

 However it didn't stop there. I saw links to swinging and fetish/S&M sites. I got a long distance boyfriend (another separate story) and I made friends with a wise woman I'm still friends with today who was a female escort/private companion in Toronto who had the Twitter name of Torontofox.

Short Backstory: Now let me point out, when my mother got divorced years ago, a part of it was because she wouldn't put out making dad an angry man in search of...who knows but I'm sure it was possibly sex related because he wasn't getting it at home. She found strength in her faith. Almost to an annoying level. She went to a tongue talking, bible toting, dancing in the aisles, everything outside is evil, rock and roll records is evil unless about Biblical matters church. By the way I lost my virginity to a guy at that church.  I saw many hypocrites as well there. There was a certain brainwashing effect that church had on me, others as well I'm pure, and I never was deprogrammed.

But back to the present. Something inside me finally came out that not even my two live in relationships and a marriage couldn't get rid of. Maybe I was just exploring something I needed to, but it led to some dangerous situations, and a date with an S&M "Dom" as they are called. And I was drinking, popping pills, and feeling empty although I was going to meetings. I would be totally bombed, and would strip, taking selfies that are still floating around on the internet. I adopted a new Twitter personality and started buying naughty garments to accent my curves.

I also found several swinging websites. The void inside wasn't being filled so I filled it with alcohol and sex. Now let me say this: I can't blame my mother. Blame is a cop-out excuse, and looking back,  I can't blame anyone but myself. I had found out I was bipolar since childhood. 3 psychiatrist's opinions I finally accepted the diagnosis.The meds, the alcohol, and the curiosity led me to some dangerous situations. I went to orgies, and sex parties. I was what is considered a "unicorn". A single woman for a couple to play with. I wanted to be touched, so I filled my emptiness with a combination of sex, alcohol, and pills. I'm grateful my higher power was watching me and guided me to a solution. I would drink all day long.

One night I passed out at a get together at a party host's house and they had to carry me upstairs to their guest room to sleep. Looking back I wonder if I had a death wish. But fate would intervene at a meeting so I got sober for 3 weeks before finally entering an Athens halfway house. I had to let myself feel ALL of the physical, mental, and spiritual pain before I was to get well. That's another story, but I'm totally grateful for my life, my friends, and my Family..who thought I'd probably totally lost my mind. And I'm not alone either. Hopefully soon I will be sponsoring others on the program of AA. I must pay it forward and help others.

Things are not perfect now, but I have wealth in other ways. My family, friends, sponsor, and a network that are priceless. So on that note, I'll come to a close for now.Hmmm, what video should I post? Oh I found one that fits. Enjoy.

More will be revealed....

Making it happen

I'm going to get back on track after being so sick yesterday from an outdated fiber supplement.

Since jumping back to AA from NA, it's time to do stepwork today.Plus a meeting....right smack in the middle of Athens, a small Mecca with possibilities. At my age wasting time and procrastination are my enemy. I shall pray to HP (No not Hewlett Packard, my Higher Power)

More will be revealed...

Time to get on with life, recovery included...

Today I'm hanging out with my 2 gay buddies, Scott and Bill. No attraction, except maybe to admire Scott's abs. Then we are hitting the botanical gardens in Athens. I need to wake up..so tired. The Bipolar meds make me so sluggish. Will add more content later. Oh, and down the road I have 2 more major relationships to write about..my tatted ex-boyfriend who killed my cat and almost killed me, and my ex husband. But this blog is about recovery and the past bad choices I made...because I knew no better.

I'm not looking anymore...For a man. Enjoying my existence one day at a time

It's Monday morning and I finished working all weekend. I'm not gonna concentrate on failure, this time it's not an option.

Woke up in the middle of the night last night, and was up for several hours. But I fell back asleep. And now I'm getting ready to work another step and sink my nose in a good book. Another YA Dystopian novel, but what I love about the ones I've read are that the main characters are strong self empowering women.

I gave my sweet dog her meds, and she's resting on my bed.

Have a great Monday readers, and hopefully some people are reading this.

More will be revealed....

Stop the Merry-go-Round, I've Gotta Step Off

Today I've decided to sit back on purpose. My dog almost died, I was cyberbullied, and a recent tryst ended in disaster.

 I still believe one can only find true spiritual happiness within themselves and their higher power.

Today I'm listening to music that will calm my soul.

Today, I am grateful for my beloved 4-legged companion Sophie, whom I, along with my ex husband raised from a pup. I almost lost her. she has a weak heart, but now with medication is recovering.

Instead of burying my foot in Jonny's gluteus maximus, I shall work on myself.

Today, I've decided to start helping more women in the program. I need to start sponsoring soon.

Tears for me are not a sign of weakness but strength. My swollen eyes are my badges of strength as well.

 I'm trying to be more selfless, I'm only human.

P. S. Someone on twitter read my blog and accused me of wanting pity from my readers. Now I can't stop my readers from thinking that. But no, this is a look at my character defects and how I wallowed in them. I wouldn't be sober if I was searching for pity. And yes latching onto a human being for sex and touch is another addiction of sorts. But I know I'm making progress. *smiles*

And as usual, more will be revealed....

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Hi readers. This is just basically a footnote to my last post. When one is lonely they should go to a meeting instead of latching on to someone out of desperation. Human beings can be like drugs as well.

The light at the end of this tunnel is that I learned from it. I knew Jonny wanted just sex. Part of me wants to bury my foot where he sits. But I had my part in it. And I've learned a valuable lesson.

More will be revealed...

While The wound is fresh...a look at a choice I made , and my decision to stay sober through it all.

I'm feeling very strange today. Instead of drugs or alcohol I decided to fill a void with a man. A young man with a lot of issues. I have already seen Jonny once, I was craving sex. I know it's disturbing to crave something like that but he was younger than me and I prefer younger men for the most part.  So yesterday I invited him over to my house where we got cozy in my bed and ended up having sex.  I started having feelings for him. Later he got a phone call from his roommate saying his sister has been life-flighted to the hospital and that she was in a bad car wreck. My roommate and I comforted him and I immediately took him home. I started feeling weird, worry about his sister, himself and what was going to happen afterward.

Well I tried to send him a message on Facebook. He had blocked me. I got the proverbial stomach drop, and I couldn't even cry. I just stayed numb. A strange numbness that comes from dealing w/grief, not drinking or using drugs, because I hadn't, and now as well. I have 18 months of sobriety and still numb. I want to go to the grocery store and buy something chocolate. I look at this as a flesh wound and can only continue to make progress in my life, not perfection.  It's a sore on my soul, and I have to tend to the sore with vigilance and be around friends, and I already talked to my sponsor. The love and fellowship is what I need now, it's the salve to heal the wound.

This interruption to my life is so fresh. I strive for progress, not perfection.


More will be revealed....

Dean..The Aftermath

1991 Winter-Spring

Wow, I'll never forget the months after Dean called to break our relationship off. I simply set myself on the path to self destruction. I started drinking when it got too painful. Feelings were something I hated to face. So I did whatever I could to lessen the pain. Leaned on my best friend I had at the time, and I had been laid off my job before the dreadful news as well.

I got on unemployment and found a part time job with full time hours, and started crushing on several guys.  Hoping this would ease the pain I went back to my cycle of looking for a man fix. This was 5 yrs before I discovered the opiates that made me comfortably numb.   My job was cashier at one of those Memebership warehouses. Sam's bought them out years later.

I got involved with Brad Ludwig, who drove a huge old Red Chevy pickup with black doors. He winked at me all time, and I had my eye set on him. However when I showed up at AA meetings I would see Dean. I did not handle it well. I would burst into tears and cry out of the blue. I carried a torch and a picture of the two of us in my wallet showing his picture like we never broke up.

Then came the day when I put a poem in the warehouse newsletter, Brad and I started seeing one another. He dumped Bri, the girl he was seeing for me. However I was enjoying the alcohol too much. I went w/him to a store party at T-Birds and the braves game. I was plastered at both events, We had sex in several places including by a set a train tracks in his pickup in Lithonia Ga. All the while my fellow friends at my love addiction group where concerned about me.

Brad blew me off and I told my Al-Anon sponsor I had a drinking problem .That was the beginning of my exposure to the program. I managed a year without the drinking, transferred to another location of the membership warehouse, and set my on a new course. There, I met the next relationship..with a mullet and tattoos. But that's another story.

Footnote: Recently I judged someone for carrying a torch for their ex. Yet I had done the same thing many times. But..this time I caught myself gratefully. The program works if you work it.

More will be revealed.....