Dean

 This is probably one of the more painful posts of my life, yet rewarding in a strange way. I met the man who would introduce me to the program of AA.

Let me just say that all the names I use in my blog are fictional, for their and my own protection.

 The song I posted played the 1st night we were together in the biblical way. Listen to it while reading the post. And it sums up were I was at. As of 1990, big hair bands were still in, and I loved Great White.

How do I begin talking about Dean Rosenthal? I'm gonna start at the beginning.

I was working at a computer store for a month, I was sitting at my register on a slow day. Then I saw him. Very tall, with large brown eyes and a well chiseled chin. He looked straight at me and I got chills. Part of me knew this man was going to be a turning point in my life. One of those premonitions. I felt him in my gut, and I won't go any further on the physical feelings he brought about. I even told my best friend at the time over dinner something was going to occur between us. It was electric when he walked past me.

I was living with a roommate at the time in Norcross Ga. One day he asked me if I would go out with him for coffee.

Let me just say this...I was still naive and gullable as one could be. I had been involved with a guy who made me his back burner girl. Then he dumped me because his girlfriend was pregnant. A string of dates and one nighters under my belt, and I couldn't get enough of my man addiction. I would always drink when these involvements were over.

Anyhow we went for coffee and we talked, plus we decided we would start going out.
Our first official date was going to my then BFF's house for dinner, then we went to Stone Mountain for the laser show against the mountain. The whole time he was saying things that were insulting..but I couldn't see past it. Only in hindsight. But I was in love, and a fool.

We went to my apartment afterwards, he started kissing me, he laid down on the sofa and I was laying on top of him, fully clothed. We agreed to go to my bedroom, where passionate love was made, and he ended up spending the night. He lived near the Atlanta airport on the other side of town.

One thing I have learned in hindsight is if one doesn't have the self confidence and self love one must have in order to be happy and well adjusted, a romance will end in disaster.

But I was lost in him, and the first few months were some of the most passionate I ever had in my life. By the time Autumn came around, things began to unravel. I was terribly jealous. We would be out in public and women would stare at him. When he talked to women I would burn with jealousy. This would happen a lot at AA meetings. By this time we were living together, and I hardly ate. Instead I would chain smoke.

One night I was fearful something had happened to him. I jumped in my car and drove back and forth on the interstate looking for his car on the side of the road or an accident. I was starting to melt down. He was my addiction, my everything. My weight started to plummet and people were getting worried about me, even pitying me. My Al-Anon sponsor was terribly worried. He bit me on the back once, and once on my lip during this time, being even more mentally cruel than before.

But I hung on to him anyway....

Then January 21st, 1991, he called me to break up with me.

The downward spiral of drinking had begun. The co-dependency, the need for self worth in a man had blown up in my foolish face. I was drunk the day I went to pick up my things from his apartment. Then I joined a group my Al-Anon sponsor started called "Women who love too much." Myself and two other hollowed out shells joined the group. Even my Dad, who was in to thin women, was worried at the time. I almost could have passed for anorexic.

But now, looking back, I'm happy I'm not involved with anyone. All my relationships ended up in disaster. Only recently a few years back have I learned that I must be happy with myself. I'll settle for the love of my dog and my friends. I'm not looking for anyone now. I have a novel to write and a desire to help others.

And I do have to say this: It gets better if you work on yourself first.

More will be revealed...

"I Call Shotgun!"

I was remembering ing somewhat fondly the period of 9 month mark of when I was living at the halfway house. I was never alone (although sometimes that can be bad.) Spring was in the air, I had a local BFF, and the girls there took turns straightening my hair. One girl in particular, Lisa, started calling me mama. The girls knew I was childless and they sometimes missed their own mothers, or some never knew theirs.
  I enjoyed it. I had just gotten a car and was sick of riding the bus. In Georgia, if you don't live in the main city, Atlanta, you lose time. You spend too much time getting where you get to go. I had a job that sometimes could be rewarding paycheck-wise, but sucked otherwise and one had to clock out for a restroom break.
   After work, it was time to get ready for a meeting..something I actually enjoyed because being in that halfway house could get claustrophobic. I  got used to "Mama do you have room for me to ride to the meeting? That was my social life back then. I was starting to get back on my feet, and hope was in the air. Back when I didn't have a car, I had to beg for rides. Some of the gals charged an outrageous price for a ride.
    This time I was collecting a few dollars. I would let the newer ones ride for free as a way of paying forward my gratitude. Lisa and Brandi knew they could get away with the free rides b/c I was their "mama" and I was close to them. We all would get dolled up for our meeting and I was always looking forward to seeing Pauley or some sexy new guy who didn't look like a redneck. I guess I was a bit of a snob. But there's one phrase I'll always remember fondly that spring when I was leaving the halfway house for a meeting..."I call shotgun mama!"

More will be revealed....