Christmas 2014, a lesson in stress management

 This has been the most stressful Christmas in 20 + years. Family relations in my opinion are not that easy.  Something happened that alienated me from my family.  Due to my concerns about something. I will pay for this it seems for the rest of my life.   Hopefully in years to come I will get some forgiveness. I'm trying to increase family bonds again. I'm going to try and not be a Scrooge, or a Grinch. I think the last worst Christmas was over 20+ years ago when I had a live in boyfriend who was a psycho. I'm not going to post any more music videos on my blog, just because a cyberbully harassed me on  Twitter whom I had to block. The ex boyfriend used to tell me every now and then that he was going to kill me and bury me in the backyard. He killed one of my cats and , in his defense, ran over my other cat by accident. He immediately took him to the animal hospital. My cat died months later after I left him and since the new boyfriend , in 1995, wouldn't allow cats, I had to take him to one of my mother's friend's house. But she never cared for him well and my latter housemate and I rescued him, but he died of flea anemia. When I got the call, blamed myself of course, and the lady who took him in. I should have found a home for poor "Punkin". But that was the beginning of a long recovery period for me, the first in four recovery periods.


More will be revealed (Words taken from the big book)

Marilyn, my hat goes off to you and I bow in your presence

Back in 2010, when I lived in Winder Ga, Sometimes my head went to dangerous places. I do believe I was still quite naive after my divorce. I got on Twitter because
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.

Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.

When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.

Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada.  My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.

Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.

But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.

Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.

More will be revealed...

Courage

I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today.  They call it pissing all over today.

I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off,  Big Brother started early in the 2000's.  But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.

Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him.  That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.

The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.

I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.

I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.

This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.

More will be revealed....

The addiction that nearly killed me

Well....Here I am again, months later. I'm about to celebrate 2 years of sobriety for the first time ever in my whole freaking life. It's now 5:29 in the morning. I wake  usually 3 hours too early but oh well, once I'm working full time again it will even out. I'm working at my part time job today. But I've summed up my disease in  a very intense song from the group "She Wants Revenge"

                                                     
The disease nearly took my life before I entered the halfway house 3 years ago (I was getting close to suicide) and I had a short relapse and bounced back. I believe my family of origin is toxic. A family member tries to censor me on Facebook as well...I'm staying out of relationships because men scare me now. I want respect these days and I believe I deserve to attract a healthier man. I had someone verbally slamming me because my blog wasn't her ideal of what a blog should be so I almost quit writing altogether. But someone on Facebook served as a muse to start me back up.  Also actress Kristen Johnson gave me some good advice on twitter. So in remembrance of the disease that nearly took my life,  I quote the kids and adults at meetings from the halfway house I used to live in ...."I don't have to live like that anymore!" The song "Tear you apart" serves as a great example of the disease of addiction talking to me.

More will be revealed.....

Life on Life's terms

I'm human, and I go through bad days as well as good. I have health problems, I want to lose weight, and money situation gets better, have a face lift. I'm pretty vain sometimes but I know the world is not all about me.

It's a much bigger world out there and all I can do is my best. And stay in the moment. Try not to focus on myself in a vain way all the time, but when it comes to my recovery keep the focus on myself and watch my behavior and my character defects.

Plus try to improve on myself.

More will be revealed.....

Just a swangin'...not like the old song

2009-2011
After my divorce, I lived in Winder. To me Barrow County was nothing but rows of cow pastures. I moved in with my mother. Life on life's terms was moving on slow motion and misery. I had gotten through Methadone withdrawal alive, which is another story. But I had started writing again, and with what things I saw from naughty people's twitter accounts, it looked like maybe I had a future writing smut.

 However it didn't stop there. I saw links to swinging and fetish/S&M sites. I got a long distance boyfriend (another separate story) and I made friends with a wise woman I'm still friends with today who was a female escort/private companion in Toronto who had the Twitter name of Torontofox.

Short Backstory: Now let me point out, when my mother got divorced years ago, a part of it was because she wouldn't put out making dad an angry man in search of...who knows but I'm sure it was possibly sex related because he wasn't getting it at home. She found strength in her faith. Almost to an annoying level. She went to a tongue talking, bible toting, dancing in the aisles, everything outside is evil, rock and roll records is evil unless about Biblical matters church. By the way I lost my virginity to a guy at that church.  I saw many hypocrites as well there. There was a certain brainwashing effect that church had on me, others as well I'm pure, and I never was deprogrammed.

But back to the present. Something inside me finally came out that not even my two live in relationships and a marriage couldn't get rid of. Maybe I was just exploring something I needed to, but it led to some dangerous situations, and a date with an S&M "Dom" as they are called. And I was drinking, popping pills, and feeling empty although I was going to meetings. I would be totally bombed, and would strip, taking selfies that are still floating around on the internet. I adopted a new Twitter personality and started buying naughty garments to accent my curves.

I also found several swinging websites. The void inside wasn't being filled so I filled it with alcohol and sex. Now let me say this: I can't blame my mother. Blame is a cop-out excuse, and looking back,  I can't blame anyone but myself. I had found out I was bipolar since childhood. 3 psychiatrist's opinions I finally accepted the diagnosis.The meds, the alcohol, and the curiosity led me to some dangerous situations. I went to orgies, and sex parties. I was what is considered a "unicorn". A single woman for a couple to play with. I wanted to be touched, so I filled my emptiness with a combination of sex, alcohol, and pills. I'm grateful my higher power was watching me and guided me to a solution. I would drink all day long.

One night I passed out at a get together at a party host's house and they had to carry me upstairs to their guest room to sleep. Looking back I wonder if I had a death wish. But fate would intervene at a meeting so I got sober for 3 weeks before finally entering an Athens halfway house. I had to let myself feel ALL of the physical, mental, and spiritual pain before I was to get well. That's another story, but I'm totally grateful for my life, my friends, and my Family..who thought I'd probably totally lost my mind. And I'm not alone either. Hopefully soon I will be sponsoring others on the program of AA. I must pay it forward and help others.

Things are not perfect now, but I have wealth in other ways. My family, friends, sponsor, and a network that are priceless. So on that note, I'll come to a close for now.Hmmm, what video should I post? Oh I found one that fits. Enjoy.

More will be revealed....

Making it happen

I'm going to get back on track after being so sick yesterday from an outdated fiber supplement.

Since jumping back to AA from NA, it's time to do stepwork today.Plus a meeting....right smack in the middle of Athens, a small Mecca with possibilities. At my age wasting time and procrastination are my enemy. I shall pray to HP (No not Hewlett Packard, my Higher Power)

More will be revealed...

Time to get on with life, recovery included...

Today I'm hanging out with my 2 gay buddies, Scott and Bill. No attraction, except maybe to admire Scott's abs. Then we are hitting the botanical gardens in Athens. I need to wake up..so tired. The Bipolar meds make me so sluggish. Will add more content later. Oh, and down the road I have 2 more major relationships to write about..my tatted ex-boyfriend who killed my cat and almost killed me, and my ex husband. But this blog is about recovery and the past bad choices I made...because I knew no better.

I'm not looking anymore...For a man. Enjoying my existence one day at a time

It's Monday morning and I finished working all weekend. I'm not gonna concentrate on failure, this time it's not an option.

Woke up in the middle of the night last night, and was up for several hours. But I fell back asleep. And now I'm getting ready to work another step and sink my nose in a good book. Another YA Dystopian novel, but what I love about the ones I've read are that the main characters are strong self empowering women.

I gave my sweet dog her meds, and she's resting on my bed.

Have a great Monday readers, and hopefully some people are reading this.

More will be revealed....

Stop the Merry-go-Round, I've Gotta Step Off

Today I've decided to sit back on purpose. My dog almost died, I was cyberbullied, and a recent tryst ended in disaster.

 I still believe one can only find true spiritual happiness within themselves and their higher power.

Today I'm listening to music that will calm my soul.

Today, I am grateful for my beloved 4-legged companion Sophie, whom I, along with my ex husband raised from a pup. I almost lost her. she has a weak heart, but now with medication is recovering.

Instead of burying my foot in Jonny's gluteus maximus, I shall work on myself.

Today, I've decided to start helping more women in the program. I need to start sponsoring soon.

Tears for me are not a sign of weakness but strength. My swollen eyes are my badges of strength as well.

 I'm trying to be more selfless, I'm only human.

P. S. Someone on twitter read my blog and accused me of wanting pity from my readers. Now I can't stop my readers from thinking that. But no, this is a look at my character defects and how I wallowed in them. I wouldn't be sober if I was searching for pity. And yes latching onto a human being for sex and touch is another addiction of sorts. But I know I'm making progress. *smiles*

And as usual, more will be revealed....

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Hi readers. This is just basically a footnote to my last post. When one is lonely they should go to a meeting instead of latching on to someone out of desperation. Human beings can be like drugs as well.

The light at the end of this tunnel is that I learned from it. I knew Jonny wanted just sex. Part of me wants to bury my foot where he sits. But I had my part in it. And I've learned a valuable lesson.

More will be revealed...

While The wound is fresh...a look at a choice I made , and my decision to stay sober through it all.

I'm feeling very strange today. Instead of drugs or alcohol I decided to fill a void with a man. A young man with a lot of issues. I have already seen Jonny once, I was craving sex. I know it's disturbing to crave something like that but he was younger than me and I prefer younger men for the most part.  So yesterday I invited him over to my house where we got cozy in my bed and ended up having sex.  I started having feelings for him. Later he got a phone call from his roommate saying his sister has been life-flighted to the hospital and that she was in a bad car wreck. My roommate and I comforted him and I immediately took him home. I started feeling weird, worry about his sister, himself and what was going to happen afterward.

Well I tried to send him a message on Facebook. He had blocked me. I got the proverbial stomach drop, and I couldn't even cry. I just stayed numb. A strange numbness that comes from dealing w/grief, not drinking or using drugs, because I hadn't, and now as well. I have 18 months of sobriety and still numb. I want to go to the grocery store and buy something chocolate. I look at this as a flesh wound and can only continue to make progress in my life, not perfection.  It's a sore on my soul, and I have to tend to the sore with vigilance and be around friends, and I already talked to my sponsor. The love and fellowship is what I need now, it's the salve to heal the wound.

This interruption to my life is so fresh. I strive for progress, not perfection.


More will be revealed....

Dean..The Aftermath

1991 Winter-Spring

Wow, I'll never forget the months after Dean called to break our relationship off. I simply set myself on the path to self destruction. I started drinking when it got too painful. Feelings were something I hated to face. So I did whatever I could to lessen the pain. Leaned on my best friend I had at the time, and I had been laid off my job before the dreadful news as well.

I got on unemployment and found a part time job with full time hours, and started crushing on several guys.  Hoping this would ease the pain I went back to my cycle of looking for a man fix. This was 5 yrs before I discovered the opiates that made me comfortably numb.   My job was cashier at one of those Memebership warehouses. Sam's bought them out years later.

I got involved with Brad Ludwig, who drove a huge old Red Chevy pickup with black doors. He winked at me all time, and I had my eye set on him. However when I showed up at AA meetings I would see Dean. I did not handle it well. I would burst into tears and cry out of the blue. I carried a torch and a picture of the two of us in my wallet showing his picture like we never broke up.

Then came the day when I put a poem in the warehouse newsletter, Brad and I started seeing one another. He dumped Bri, the girl he was seeing for me. However I was enjoying the alcohol too much. I went w/him to a store party at T-Birds and the braves game. I was plastered at both events, We had sex in several places including by a set a train tracks in his pickup in Lithonia Ga. All the while my fellow friends at my love addiction group where concerned about me.

Brad blew me off and I told my Al-Anon sponsor I had a drinking problem .That was the beginning of my exposure to the program. I managed a year without the drinking, transferred to another location of the membership warehouse, and set my on a new course. There, I met the next relationship..with a mullet and tattoos. But that's another story.

Footnote: Recently I judged someone for carrying a torch for their ex. Yet I had done the same thing many times. But..this time I caught myself gratefully. The program works if you work it.

More will be revealed.....

Dean

 This is probably one of the more painful posts of my life, yet rewarding in a strange way. I met the man who would introduce me to the program of AA.

Let me just say that all the names I use in my blog are fictional, for their and my own protection.

 The song I posted played the 1st night we were together in the biblical way. Listen to it while reading the post. And it sums up were I was at. As of 1990, big hair bands were still in, and I loved Great White.

How do I begin talking about Dean Rosenthal? I'm gonna start at the beginning.

I was working at a computer store for a month, I was sitting at my register on a slow day. Then I saw him. Very tall, with large brown eyes and a well chiseled chin. He looked straight at me and I got chills. Part of me knew this man was going to be a turning point in my life. One of those premonitions. I felt him in my gut, and I won't go any further on the physical feelings he brought about. I even told my best friend at the time over dinner something was going to occur between us. It was electric when he walked past me.

I was living with a roommate at the time in Norcross Ga. One day he asked me if I would go out with him for coffee.

Let me just say this...I was still naive and gullable as one could be. I had been involved with a guy who made me his back burner girl. Then he dumped me because his girlfriend was pregnant. A string of dates and one nighters under my belt, and I couldn't get enough of my man addiction. I would always drink when these involvements were over.

Anyhow we went for coffee and we talked, plus we decided we would start going out.
Our first official date was going to my then BFF's house for dinner, then we went to Stone Mountain for the laser show against the mountain. The whole time he was saying things that were insulting..but I couldn't see past it. Only in hindsight. But I was in love, and a fool.

We went to my apartment afterwards, he started kissing me, he laid down on the sofa and I was laying on top of him, fully clothed. We agreed to go to my bedroom, where passionate love was made, and he ended up spending the night. He lived near the Atlanta airport on the other side of town.

One thing I have learned in hindsight is if one doesn't have the self confidence and self love one must have in order to be happy and well adjusted, a romance will end in disaster.

But I was lost in him, and the first few months were some of the most passionate I ever had in my life. By the time Autumn came around, things began to unravel. I was terribly jealous. We would be out in public and women would stare at him. When he talked to women I would burn with jealousy. This would happen a lot at AA meetings. By this time we were living together, and I hardly ate. Instead I would chain smoke.

One night I was fearful something had happened to him. I jumped in my car and drove back and forth on the interstate looking for his car on the side of the road or an accident. I was starting to melt down. He was my addiction, my everything. My weight started to plummet and people were getting worried about me, even pitying me. My Al-Anon sponsor was terribly worried. He bit me on the back once, and once on my lip during this time, being even more mentally cruel than before.

But I hung on to him anyway....

Then January 21st, 1991, he called me to break up with me.

The downward spiral of drinking had begun. The co-dependency, the need for self worth in a man had blown up in my foolish face. I was drunk the day I went to pick up my things from his apartment. Then I joined a group my Al-Anon sponsor started called "Women who love too much." Myself and two other hollowed out shells joined the group. Even my Dad, who was in to thin women, was worried at the time. I almost could have passed for anorexic.

But now, looking back, I'm happy I'm not involved with anyone. All my relationships ended up in disaster. Only recently a few years back have I learned that I must be happy with myself. I'll settle for the love of my dog and my friends. I'm not looking for anyone now. I have a novel to write and a desire to help others.

And I do have to say this: It gets better if you work on yourself first.

More will be revealed...

"I Call Shotgun!"

I was remembering ing somewhat fondly the period of 9 month mark of when I was living at the halfway house. I was never alone (although sometimes that can be bad.) Spring was in the air, I had a local BFF, and the girls there took turns straightening my hair. One girl in particular, Lisa, started calling me mama. The girls knew I was childless and they sometimes missed their own mothers, or some never knew theirs.
  I enjoyed it. I had just gotten a car and was sick of riding the bus. In Georgia, if you don't live in the main city, Atlanta, you lose time. You spend too much time getting where you get to go. I had a job that sometimes could be rewarding paycheck-wise, but sucked otherwise and one had to clock out for a restroom break.
   After work, it was time to get ready for a meeting..something I actually enjoyed because being in that halfway house could get claustrophobic. I  got used to "Mama do you have room for me to ride to the meeting? That was my social life back then. I was starting to get back on my feet, and hope was in the air. Back when I didn't have a car, I had to beg for rides. Some of the gals charged an outrageous price for a ride.
    This time I was collecting a few dollars. I would let the newer ones ride for free as a way of paying forward my gratitude. Lisa and Brandi knew they could get away with the free rides b/c I was their "mama" and I was close to them. We all would get dolled up for our meeting and I was always looking forward to seeing Pauley or some sexy new guy who didn't look like a redneck. I guess I was a bit of a snob. But there's one phrase I'll always remember fondly that spring when I was leaving the halfway house for a meeting..."I call shotgun mama!"

More will be revealed....

Eclipse, the third movie

Maybe I should go ahead and continue my Twilight tribute. This one's dedicated to Eclipse.

The last movie ended with Edward proposing to Bella, where she sighs in shock. This movie begins with him proposing over and over.

The plot of this one is the newborn army that Victoria, mate of the slain James from Twilight, is organizing to kill Bella. She creates various vamps out of runaways, and other assorted teenagers. Her first victim is Riley, leader of the army, (well played by actor Xavier Samuel).

Then there's a Victoria spotting (now played by Bryce Dallas Howard) and the cullens are ready to chase after her and catch her. However they are unsuccessful. Edward, sensing this danger, gives Bella plane tickets for Florida, Jacksonville specifically to see her mother, plus he tags along. Much to the dismay of Charlie, Bella's father. Edward hides this fact about the slaughters in Seattle, prompting Jacob to tell her about it. The rest of the movie is very enjoyable so watch it...The biggest two finales are yet to come. Breaking Dawn Parts 1 and 2.



More will be revealed....

Lady Interrupted

I will get back to my Twilight saga tribute on my next post. However I believe I should write about the funk I've been in. Recovery isn't all puppy dogs, rainbows and purring kittens.

When the holidays ended, I sort of fell back into a depressed state, slacking off on meetings because I had to be careful with gas. Plus a back injury that made me crave narcotics wasn't helping. My hours got cut, and I had to put every bit of intestinal fortitude into finishing my step 4 paperwork. My sponsor and I are going over it on Saturday.

I'm not in a halfway house anymore. I have been out of one almost a year and a half now. I'm living at a friend's house. The real world can be frightening when you're in a funk. My mom is ill and frail. I think about her every day. But life on life's terms isn't as bad as it could be, so I'm gonna live in the moment today, and try to get more followers on this blog. Plus I might benefit from helping someone else. My sponsor says I might be ready to sponsor someone after we go over my fearless moral inventory (step 4).

More will be revealed....

New Moon... The 2nd book and movie in the saga.

The next movie/book, New Moon is one of my favorites b/c it speaks on love and loss, plus reuniting, sacrificing danger to save the love of her life, Edward.

  New Moon begins w/Bella going to school and her literature class is studying Romeo and Juliet. Edward introduces the Volturi during class and the teacher makes him recite the sililoquy of Romeo's last words to Juliet. Then at the Cullen house Edward speaks more of the Volturi, the closest thing to Royalty for vampires.

Then comes the birthday party for Bella, who thinks she's growing older by the minute. Of course she wants to be changed to a vampire by Edward, who wants her to remain human.

The birthday party begins afterward, and when Bella opens a gift she gets a papercut. Blood drops to the floor and Jasper, the youngest of all the Cullens vampire wise, smells it and has a major moment of weakness. This leads to Edward and the Cullens leaving Forks and Edward lies to Bella that he doesn't want her to come with them. This leaves Bella in a major depression, describing the situation "as if a huge hole was punched into her chest. He makes her promise not to do anything reckless, which leads to her reckless behavior which in turn, makes her see visions of him and hearing his voice.

During this time she has befriended Jacob, who has gone through struggles of his own, and he leaves Bella as well. In addition, James's mate, Victoria wants to kill Bella because Edward caused the death of her mate.

In her search for the visions, which she is missing, she encounters Laurent in the meadow, which is now dried up, no flowers in bloom. Laurent, who was helpful in the last movie, wants to kill Bella because of her fragrant, tasty blood. I don't want to give too much away, but the wolves make their first appearance here.

Eventually Bella decides to jump off of a cliff, instead of diving like the wolf pack, with Victoria in hot persuit. She jumps, and almost drowns. All of this leads up to Alice visiting the Swan residence. And on top of that Edward, whom Rosalie told about the jump, has told Edward that Bella died. Edward in turn wants to die too, so he visits the Volturi, begging them to kill him. They refuse, so he comes up with a plan to show himself during a festival in Voltura. That's when the excitement really begins... The last clip from New Moon I'm gonna show is this one.

Not the actual background music the movie used but close enough. This movie was special to me because it spoke of love, love lost, utter despair, and reuniting, albeit some danger is present after the reunion. But this movie is worth watching, especially if you're a love story afficionado.

More will be revealed....

My take on the Twilight Saga..And thank you so much Stephenie Meyer for changing my life"

Back in early 2009 I was in the middle of spending my tax money. My aunt and I would talk about many subjects on the phone. One particular topic came up.

 My aunt Lynn was talking about how much she enjoyed reading the Twilight saga. I said "Oh I saw pictures of that Edward Cullen guy but what makes it so special? She told me "Just start reading it, you'll see." So I went to Wally World and bought all of the books. I started reading and couldn't put it down.

 Basically Twilight is about a young girl, Bella Swan, who moves up to the rainy Washington town of Forks. Her father lives up there and is the chief of police. She reconnects w/her childhood friend Jacob Black and gets the old red truck he worked on. The first day of school Bella meets some new classmates. She's the type who normally keeps to herself but come lunch period she notices a special group of students that have a unique pale look...The Cullens. Then Edward Cullen walks into the lunchroom and Bella is magnetically drawn to him. Here's a scene from the movie:

Anyhow, again, she sees him in class. Unbeknownst  to Bella Edward gets of whiff of her scent. The most delectable blood he's ever smelled.

Anyhow they finally have their first talk, and she's about to leave school. She notices Edward's staring at her, and for a very good reason. His psychically gifted adopted sister Alice predicted that she was in danger.

She begins to suspect that there's something to this guy that is not natural. Fast forward later, she's in Port Angeles with two classmates and instead of trying on prom dresses she picks up a book at the local Quiluete tribe bookstore on "The cold ones". She gets intercepted by some unsavory characters who most probably have gang rape on their mind. Edward to the rescue again. He saves her life, and there's a local murder by unsavory vamps on a human that Bella's father knew. Bella checks out the book she got earlier, leading to another favorite scene of mine...Her discovery that Edward is a vampire.

It gets even better. As seen here:

I really can relate to Bella. She's clumsy, and she never felt "normal" I think that's why many of those with alcoholism and/or addiction related issues have loved this movie so much. Bella being the hopeless romantic, and Edward, who has fallen in love with her are a throwback to the classic novels of yesteryear. I'm not going to post anymore scenes, I'm gonna say watch it because it has elements of love, sacrifice, a sense of belonging to a group of people that one can be themself around.

Up next: New Moon and my thoughts on it.

More will be revealed...

Life on Life's Terms

 This week has been a slump. I have had to live with back pain as well as my hours at work being cut. I haven't filed a workman's comp for fear of being fired. Been in the bed a lot glued to the heating pad. Being careful w/what I'm taking for pain. At least I'm still sober, I guess that's something.

 I can only live life in the moment. I can't even project what's next. And maybe someday I'll have followers on this blog.. I do want to help others w/alcoholism and addiction problems. All I can do is stay in the moment and pray, realize I'm powerless over everything. My mom is still in the hospital and I've been concerned about her health. She deteriorated a few weeks ago and thought I was gonna lose her. Self pity is a bitch. But this, folks, is where I'm at. This too, shall pass. I hope that slogan is true.

More will be revealed....

The Land of the "Not Quite Right"

 The Land Where I'm From. Well there's a reason for my title. I have always felt like an oddball. I was a mousy high school girl who quit in the middle of my Sophomore year. Two years later I took my GED exam and passed giving me a High School Equivelency certificate. I was a shy kid, really shy. My first high school crush used to flirt w/me in a sarcastic way and I took it as pure insult. I was pathetic and ran to my counselor.

I had one or two friends in high school. I looked down at the floor while walking through the halls. My nose got made fun of a lot. It was the aftermath of the accident when my little brother and I were playing catch. I had told him to throw the ball faster...well he certainly did! I had a fat bulbous bumpy nose. (two years later, I had a nose job). My moods went up and down plus I isolated. This was years before I discovered alcohol. My world that I lived in was the land of Sci Fi movies and TV. Looking back at my early teen years it was when my parents when they were going through a divorce

. Dad used to go to singles clubs and party. Mom started embracing Jesus and the wacko church she started to attend. ( I would later lose my virginity to a crush on a boy I liked at the same church! Fancy that.). At the age of eighteen. Back at the age of fourteen when my lit class went to see Romeo and Juliet at the theatre I sat with my teacher and her boyfriend.

 I was continuing to be taken to shrinks, and the one I saw told me I was a manic depressive.This was a fact, a fact I considered a harsh judgment. And shame with this kinda subject just made things worse. Navigating life's stormy waters during the late 70's, I was a lost soul. Between the Jesus freaks that came to counsel me and the stigma of mental illness,I knew that something had to change. And in a few years it would.

 More will be revealed...