I'm feeling very strange today. Instead of drugs or alcohol I decided to fill a void with a man. A young man with a lot of issues. I have already seen Jonny once, I was craving sex. I know it's disturbing to crave something like that but he was younger than me and I prefer younger men for the most part. So yesterday I invited him over to my house where we got cozy in my bed and ended up having sex. I started having feelings for him. Later he got a phone call from his roommate saying his sister has been life-flighted to the hospital and that she was in a bad car wreck. My roommate and I comforted him and I immediately took him home. I started feeling weird, worry about his sister, himself and what was going to happen afterward.
Well I tried to send him a message on Facebook. He had blocked me. I got the proverbial stomach drop, and I couldn't even cry. I just stayed numb. A strange numbness that comes from dealing w/grief, not drinking or using drugs, because I hadn't, and now as well. I have 18 months of sobriety and still numb. I want to go to the grocery store and buy something chocolate. I look at this as a flesh wound and can only continue to make progress in my life, not perfection. It's a sore on my soul, and I have to tend to the sore with vigilance and be around friends, and I already talked to my sponsor. The love and fellowship is what I need now, it's the salve to heal the wound.
This interruption to my life is so fresh. I strive for progress, not perfection.
More will be revealed....
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