After my divorce, I lived in Winder. To me Barrow County was nothing but rows of cow pastures. I moved in with my mother. Life on life's terms was moving on slow motion and misery. I had gotten through Methadone withdrawal alive, which is another story. But I had started writing again, and with what things I saw from naughty people's twitter accounts, it looked like maybe I had a future writing smut.
However it didn't stop there. I saw links to swinging and fetish/S&M sites. I got a long distance boyfriend (another separate story) and I made friends with a wise woman I'm still friends with today who was a female escort/private companion in Toronto who had the Twitter name of Torontofox.
Short Backstory: Now let me point out, when my mother got divorced years ago, a part of it was because she wouldn't put out making dad an angry man in search of...who knows but I'm sure it was possibly sex related because he wasn't getting it at home. She found strength in her faith. Almost to an annoying level. She went to a tongue talking, bible toting, dancing in the aisles, everything outside is evil, rock and roll records is evil unless about Biblical matters church. By the way I lost my virginity to a guy at that church. I saw many hypocrites as well there. There was a certain brainwashing effect that church had on me, others as well I'm pure, and I never was deprogrammed.
But back to the present. Something inside me finally came out that not even my two live in relationships and a marriage couldn't get rid of. Maybe I was just exploring something I needed to, but it led to some dangerous situations, and a date with an S&M "Dom" as they are called. And I was drinking, popping pills, and feeling empty although I was going to meetings. I would be totally bombed, and would strip, taking selfies that are still floating around on the internet. I adopted a new Twitter personality and started buying naughty garments to accent my curves.
I also found several swinging websites. The void inside wasn't being filled so I filled it with alcohol and sex. Now let me say this: I can't blame my mother. Blame is a cop-out excuse, and looking back, I can't blame anyone but myself. I had found out I was bipolar since childhood. 3 psychiatrist's opinions I finally accepted the diagnosis.The meds, the alcohol, and the curiosity led me to some dangerous situations. I went to orgies, and sex parties. I was what is considered a "unicorn". A single woman for a couple to play with. I wanted to be touched, so I filled my emptiness with a combination of sex, alcohol, and pills. I'm grateful my higher power was watching me and guided me to a solution. I would drink all day long.
One night I passed out at a get together at a party host's house and they had to carry me upstairs to their guest room to sleep. Looking back I wonder if I had a death wish. But fate would intervene at a meeting so I got sober for 3 weeks before finally entering an Athens halfway house. I had to let myself feel ALL of the physical, mental, and spiritual pain before I was to get well. That's another story, but I'm totally grateful for my life, my friends, and my Family..who thought I'd probably totally lost my mind. And I'm not alone either. Hopefully soon I will be sponsoring others on the program of AA. I must pay it forward and help others.
Things are not perfect now, but I have wealth in other ways. My family, friends, sponsor, and a network that are priceless. So on that note, I'll come to a close for now.Hmmm, what video should I post? Oh I found one that fits. Enjoy.
More will be revealed....
No comments:
Post a Comment