My mom fell really ill and died on February 23rd 2015. Seeing her suffer in hospice even though I knew she was dying, nevertheless hurt to watch. I spent one night holding her bloated hand, alternating with my brother hurt, especially since he tossed an insult at me in the process.
Mom could be stubborn at times, refusing medical care and going to the hospital. The very last time I took her to the grocery store, she slumped over in falling asleep in her riding cart. She was a strong woman but stubborn and I'm the same way.....stubborn.
Anyhow she hadn't even been in hospice a whole 24 hours when she died. My sister-n-law had taken me home. When I got a phone call around 3:00 in the afternoon. It was my brother telling me she had passed away. Two emotions kicked in: numbness and grief. I weeped but it was nothing like it would be weeks later.
So I'm moving on with life. Sometimes the tears will come when seeing something sparks a memory. Our time at the Piccadilly cafeteria after church was a ritual for us. My taking her to the library and my using her card as well to get books. Going to the grocery store with her.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
A tale of Young Love and Old Rancor.... A poem
One family hated the other
Hate's a strong word
But within something happened
Love undermined the hate
In a tragic way
One fourteen year old boy
One thirteen year old girl
After all these were older times
Were star crossed, meant to be
In the most powerful love of all
Her household held a masquerade ball
He and his friends attended
And right before they entered
He had a premonition
Of death way too early
Once in, he saw her
Her beautiful face
And flowing long hair
Beautiful large pools of eyes
And she caught his masked face
Out of the corner of her eye
While the minstrel sang of love
They searched each other out
Love was their heart's connection
As he slipped behind her
And caught her hand and kissed it
She was in cupid's hands
His beautiful not just handsome face
His large pools of brown eyes
And they were both pierced
By the arrow that cupid shot
They were secretly married the next day
But her cousin had a plan
He wanted the boy dead
But he fatally wounded another
And the boy killed him
The boy was banished
To a neighboring town
Sadness enveloped the lovers
The local apothecary had a solution
A vial of liquid
That would make the girl appear dead
A wake was held for her
And she was placed in the family vault
But the boy's aide saw the wake
And the seemingly dead girl
The boy was heartbroken
At the sight of his diseassed wife
The boy kissed his wife goodbye
While choking on the poison
And he collapsed on the vault floor
As the apothecary entered the vault
The girl woke up, asking for her lord
While the alarming sound
Of trumpets played outside
The girl saw her dead husband on the floor
The apothecary asked her to leave
And of course she just couldn't
She took her love's dagger
And made her heart it's sheath
Two heartbroken families
And two dead young lovers
Taken to burial together
And the rancor thus buried
By Suzanne Hall Padgett
More will be revealed....
Hate's a strong word
But within something happened
Love undermined the hate
In a tragic way
One fourteen year old boy
One thirteen year old girl
After all these were older times
Were star crossed, meant to be
In the most powerful love of all
Her household held a masquerade ball
He and his friends attended
And right before they entered
He had a premonition
Of death way too early
Once in, he saw her
Her beautiful face
And flowing long hair
Beautiful large pools of eyes
And she caught his masked face
Out of the corner of her eye
While the minstrel sang of love
They searched each other out
Love was their heart's connection
As he slipped behind her
And caught her hand and kissed it
She was in cupid's hands
His beautiful not just handsome face
His large pools of brown eyes
And they were both pierced
By the arrow that cupid shot
They were secretly married the next day
But her cousin had a plan
He wanted the boy dead
But he fatally wounded another
And the boy killed him
The boy was banished
To a neighboring town
Sadness enveloped the lovers
The local apothecary had a solution
A vial of liquid
That would make the girl appear dead
A wake was held for her
And she was placed in the family vault
But the boy's aide saw the wake
And the seemingly dead girl
The boy was heartbroken
At the sight of his diseassed wife
The boy kissed his wife goodbye
While choking on the poison
And he collapsed on the vault floor
As the apothecary entered the vault
The girl woke up, asking for her lord
While the alarming sound
Of trumpets played outside
The girl saw her dead husband on the floor
The apothecary asked her to leave
And of course she just couldn't
She took her love's dagger
And made her heart it's sheath
Two heartbroken families
And two dead young lovers
Taken to burial together
And the rancor thus buried
By Suzanne Hall Padgett
More will be revealed....
Friday, February 13, 2015
Sophie, Prissy, and Duchess A memorial
My 14 yr old dog Sophie died of congestive heart failure some 5 months ago. She is at peace but my coping skills with her loss are still around. And now I must keep a sense of positivity. My mom is back in the hospital in a lot of pain so all I can do is pray. Sophie, I'll miss you always, I love you.
Prissy I miss your sweet disposition, and your loyalty. I love you forever.
Duchess, you were my housemate's dog but I love you anyway. All 3 of you I pray are running, playing, and jumping in that land beyond the Rainbow Bridge. Peace to all of you! <3
I will never forget any of you.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
A snippet of my novel (working title: The Halfway House)
Susan was starting to get used to this bleak place. She finally had gotten a job with a telemarketing firm known as American Telesales. However the uncertainty of this life was frightening. Her family hadn't visited with her yet. It would be two more weeks before she was allowed that luxury. Having to deal with all the other ladies and Miss Janae was causing some mental anguish. Memories came flooding back to her, this particular one going back to when she was a little girl of five years old.
I was remembering my first adventure outing when my mother wasn't looking out for me. She was engrossed in the afternoon matinee. I loved to explore and fantasize as a child, like any other child I suppose, but I would act on it. I started walking , and I finally arrived two streets away to the road where the giant (from my perception) cornfield stood. However when I heard the cows mooing I started to become frightened. So I walked back out onto the road instead of the tall grass. I finally arrived on the main road, Niles ferry. Ahead was a gas station where I planned to tell the clerk inside I was lost. I decided to pick some flowers on the roadside first. Talk about brazen. Cars were going by and that's when I decided to walk inside the small store/gas station.
The clerk saw me and said "Little girl where are your parents?"
" They are not with me" I said. "I was riding my pony when I lost him, and I was afraid I would get run over,"
Two elderly men , one I was suspecting was the owner told me he was going to take me home, and asked if I knew how to get home.
So believe it or not, I totally remembered how to get home, while these two old men took me home in their car.
They pulled up in the driveway to the half-frightened/half angry face of my mom in the front yard.
What have you done Suzy? My God you could have been hurt!"
"Well she remembered how to get home Maam, so I glad she made it home. Does she have a pony?"
Let's just say from there mom had a sharper eye from that time, and wasn't going to let me out of her sight.
I lit another cigarette out on the porch. I realized my weirdness was a trait going all the way back to childhood. In hindsight, I was lucky I wasn't molested.
More will be revealed....
Susan was starting to get used to this bleak place. She finally had gotten a job with a telemarketing firm known as American Telesales. However the uncertainty of this life was frightening. Her family hadn't visited with her yet. It would be two more weeks before she was allowed that luxury. Having to deal with all the other ladies and Miss Janae was causing some mental anguish. Memories came flooding back to her, this particular one going back to when she was a little girl of five years old.
I was remembering my first adventure outing when my mother wasn't looking out for me. She was engrossed in the afternoon matinee. I loved to explore and fantasize as a child, like any other child I suppose, but I would act on it. I started walking , and I finally arrived two streets away to the road where the giant (from my perception) cornfield stood. However when I heard the cows mooing I started to become frightened. So I walked back out onto the road instead of the tall grass. I finally arrived on the main road, Niles ferry. Ahead was a gas station where I planned to tell the clerk inside I was lost. I decided to pick some flowers on the roadside first. Talk about brazen. Cars were going by and that's when I decided to walk inside the small store/gas station.
The clerk saw me and said "Little girl where are your parents?"
" They are not with me" I said. "I was riding my pony when I lost him, and I was afraid I would get run over,"
Two elderly men , one I was suspecting was the owner told me he was going to take me home, and asked if I knew how to get home.
So believe it or not, I totally remembered how to get home, while these two old men took me home in their car.
They pulled up in the driveway to the half-frightened/half angry face of my mom in the front yard.
What have you done Suzy? My God you could have been hurt!"
"Well she remembered how to get home Maam, so I glad she made it home. Does she have a pony?"
Let's just say from there mom had a sharper eye from that time, and wasn't going to let me out of her sight.
I lit another cigarette out on the porch. I realized my weirdness was a trait going all the way back to childhood. In hindsight, I was lucky I wasn't molested.
More will be revealed....
Friday, January 16, 2015
Here it goes, my first love, and the first aching, longing, sweet emotional period of pain.
1986
I finally am now writing about my first love, Danny Myers. It was an unusual relationship. I was a late bloomer of 23 and hadn't even started driving yet. Later in early 1987 I got my driver's license and my first car. But back to the main subject.
I was working at a grocery store in Stone Mountain Ga. Our grocery store had a new Grand re-opening, and we had new uniforms finally. We also had several new employees.
Fast forward three weeks. I had this bagger I thought was around 20 years old. It turned out he was 17. 17!!!!!! Holy crap I was in shock. I had proceded to get involved with our apartment complex's maintenance man. I was so naive for my age, but I was lonely and looking for my prince, albeit in the most dysfunctional way ever.
Somewhere along the way, the bagger had developed a crush on me. I'm not trying to be conceited, he really did! Even when he got out of school he hung around. My birthday was approaching and he told me at work one day he was going to bring me a cake for my birthday. My 23'rd to be exact. One of the supervisors closed my line off and she had nothing but good things to say about this guy. He brought his best friend along and a Twinkie for me with 2 candles in it. I made a wish and blew the candles out. And thus began the rollercoaster that I called love.
We began to go out, the first date was a sweet, wonderful memory. I fell in love with Danny, however I was unsure if he really had the same feelings. My best friend at the time had the label of "loose" and I thought maybe he thought I was an easy "lay".
Then came date number 3. We were in his car, a banana yellow colored 1969 Chevelle. It was nighttime. He was always playing Billy Joel's greatest hits. That night, when the song "She's Got a Way" started playing, he told me that's how he felt about me. We kissed and held each other that night. I had found my Romeo, and I was his older Juliet.
Unfortunately, the age difference proved to be stressful. He wanted it to progress physically, bedroom physically that is. I couldn't let it go any further. Danny was jailbait. I had to wait till he was eighteen, no longer a minor. Giving him a hickey didn't help either.His mother saw that thing on his neck and she was livid. We never consummated the relationship, I insisted we wait.
He couldn't. I had to make to make the painful decision to end it. The next four months he came into the store and I ached for him. It was awful. then I got the news he was moving to Chicago. That cinched it. But it has been a sweet memory of sweet pain and longing nevertheless. I had so much to learn, through trial and error, about everything.
More will be revealed....
I finally am now writing about my first love, Danny Myers. It was an unusual relationship. I was a late bloomer of 23 and hadn't even started driving yet. Later in early 1987 I got my driver's license and my first car. But back to the main subject.
I was working at a grocery store in Stone Mountain Ga. Our grocery store had a new Grand re-opening, and we had new uniforms finally. We also had several new employees.
Fast forward three weeks. I had this bagger I thought was around 20 years old. It turned out he was 17. 17!!!!!! Holy crap I was in shock. I had proceded to get involved with our apartment complex's maintenance man. I was so naive for my age, but I was lonely and looking for my prince, albeit in the most dysfunctional way ever.
Somewhere along the way, the bagger had developed a crush on me. I'm not trying to be conceited, he really did! Even when he got out of school he hung around. My birthday was approaching and he told me at work one day he was going to bring me a cake for my birthday. My 23'rd to be exact. One of the supervisors closed my line off and she had nothing but good things to say about this guy. He brought his best friend along and a Twinkie for me with 2 candles in it. I made a wish and blew the candles out. And thus began the rollercoaster that I called love.
We began to go out, the first date was a sweet, wonderful memory. I fell in love with Danny, however I was unsure if he really had the same feelings. My best friend at the time had the label of "loose" and I thought maybe he thought I was an easy "lay".
Then came date number 3. We were in his car, a banana yellow colored 1969 Chevelle. It was nighttime. He was always playing Billy Joel's greatest hits. That night, when the song "She's Got a Way" started playing, he told me that's how he felt about me. We kissed and held each other that night. I had found my Romeo, and I was his older Juliet.
Unfortunately, the age difference proved to be stressful. He wanted it to progress physically, bedroom physically that is. I couldn't let it go any further. Danny was jailbait. I had to wait till he was eighteen, no longer a minor. Giving him a hickey didn't help either.His mother saw that thing on his neck and she was livid. We never consummated the relationship, I insisted we wait.
He couldn't. I had to make to make the painful decision to end it. The next four months he came into the store and I ached for him. It was awful. then I got the news he was moving to Chicago. That cinched it. But it has been a sweet memory of sweet pain and longing nevertheless. I had so much to learn, through trial and error, about everything.
More will be revealed....
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
My family
Before I go any further on the issues I write about, I would love to write about the positive attributes of my family.
Dad
My father is an intelligent man. He had his demons and has beat them I think. He was a meteorologist, now retired.
He tought me all about movies and the actors who played them. He also played me all kinds of music on his stereo, and I developed a love for all kinds of music.
He encouraged fitness. I ran a few races as a kid, and I got up to 5th place in one track meet. He took me to the Junior Olympics and several track meets.
Dad loved science fiction. I used to watch Sci-Fi movies with him. He took me to fantasy movies also. One fond memory is of when he took me to see 2001: A Space Odyssey and near the end I was frightened when I saw the character Dave going through the strange journey towards the end. So we left the drive-in theatre. And the most memorable? Star Wars without a doubt. I fell in love with Harrison Ford and saw it so many more times I can't count them. This includes the sequels and the prequels. Many a long line line I stood in when I saw the movies, of course when they were still in their theatrical runs.
Mom
Mom was a teacher..She encouraged learning. She also at one time was interested in the para normal realm to a point, getting interested in psychics and the zodiac. She finally settled on Jesus, but that's another story. She endured many things, being the survivor of abuse.
My brother
My brother and I were very close at one time. Then he had trouble coping with me and my quirky nature. He is the father of seven children and he appears to be raising them well. He is a responsible father. He is more accepting of me, it seems than ever.
Me: I have the whole blog to remember all the things I need to write about so what I'll say now is:
More will be revealed....
Dad
My father is an intelligent man. He had his demons and has beat them I think. He was a meteorologist, now retired.
He tought me all about movies and the actors who played them. He also played me all kinds of music on his stereo, and I developed a love for all kinds of music.
He encouraged fitness. I ran a few races as a kid, and I got up to 5th place in one track meet. He took me to the Junior Olympics and several track meets.
Dad loved science fiction. I used to watch Sci-Fi movies with him. He took me to fantasy movies also. One fond memory is of when he took me to see 2001: A Space Odyssey and near the end I was frightened when I saw the character Dave going through the strange journey towards the end. So we left the drive-in theatre. And the most memorable? Star Wars without a doubt. I fell in love with Harrison Ford and saw it so many more times I can't count them. This includes the sequels and the prequels. Many a long line line I stood in when I saw the movies, of course when they were still in their theatrical runs.
Mom
Mom was a teacher..She encouraged learning. She also at one time was interested in the para normal realm to a point, getting interested in psychics and the zodiac. She finally settled on Jesus, but that's another story. She endured many things, being the survivor of abuse.
My brother
My brother and I were very close at one time. Then he had trouble coping with me and my quirky nature. He is the father of seven children and he appears to be raising them well. He is a responsible father. He is more accepting of me, it seems than ever.
Me: I have the whole blog to remember all the things I need to write about so what I'll say now is:
More will be revealed....
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Goals....A structured must
Well, it's January 2015 and I have set some daily goals. Blogging about it will help me get established again. I have set a simple few so far, as it was a very stressful Christmas season and I want to get back in the driver's seat again.
Goal #1: Put in a job application each day, even if I'm working that day. I'm healing after injuring my back and neck BTW, and hope to be back at work next week.
Goal #2: Write 2 pages of my book each week.
Well that's all for now but I will post or change the frequency of my goals as things change. And lordy do they need to!
I have added an extra goal: Go for a walk 3 times a week. I must get in better shape.
And as always: More will be revealed!
Goal #1: Put in a job application each day, even if I'm working that day. I'm healing after injuring my back and neck BTW, and hope to be back at work next week.
Goal #2: Write 2 pages of my book each week.
Well that's all for now but I will post or change the frequency of my goals as things change. And lordy do they need to!
I have added an extra goal: Go for a walk 3 times a week. I must get in better shape.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Christmas 2014, a lesson in stress management
This has been the most stressful Christmas in 20 + years. Family relations in my opinion are not that easy. Something happened that alienated me from my family. Due to my concerns about something. I will pay for this it seems for the rest of my life. Hopefully in years to come I will get some forgiveness. I'm trying to increase family bonds again. I'm going to try and not be a Scrooge, or a Grinch. I think the last worst Christmas was over 20+ years ago when I had a live in boyfriend who was a psycho. I'm not going to post any more music videos on my blog, just because a cyberbully harassed me on Twitter whom I had to block. The ex boyfriend used to tell me every now and then that he was going to kill me and bury me in the backyard. He killed one of my cats and , in his defense, ran over my other cat by accident. He immediately took him to the animal hospital. My cat died months later after I left him and since the new boyfriend , in 1995, wouldn't allow cats, I had to take him to one of my mother's friend's house. But she never cared for him well and my latter housemate and I rescued him, but he died of flea anemia. When I got the call, blamed myself of course, and the lady who took him in. I should have found a home for poor "Punkin". But that was the beginning of a long recovery period for me, the first in four recovery periods.
More will be revealed (Words taken from the big book)
More will be revealed (Words taken from the big book)
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Marilyn, my hat goes off to you and I bow in your presence
Back in 2010, when I lived in Winder Ga, Sometimes my head went to dangerous places. I do believe I was still quite naive after my divorce. I got on Twitter because
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.
Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.
When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.
Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada. My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.
Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.
But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.
Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.
More will be revealed...
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.
Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.
When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.
Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada. My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.
Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.
But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.
Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Courage
I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today. They call it pissing all over today.
I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off, Big Brother started early in the 2000's. But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.
Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.
The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.
I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.
I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.
This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.
More will be revealed....
I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today. They call it pissing all over today.
I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off, Big Brother started early in the 2000's. But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.
Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.
The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.
I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.
I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.
This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.
More will be revealed....
Friday, September 12, 2014
The addiction that nearly killed me
Well....Here I am again, months later. I'm about to celebrate 2 years of sobriety for the first time ever in my whole freaking life. It's now 5:29 in the morning. I wake usually 3 hours too early but oh well, once I'm working full time again it will even out. I'm working at my part time job today. But I've summed up my disease in a very intense song from the group "She Wants Revenge"
The disease nearly took my life before I entered the halfway house 3 years ago (I was getting close to suicide) and I had a short relapse and bounced back. I believe my family of origin is toxic. A family member tries to censor me on Facebook as well...I'm staying out of relationships because men scare me now. I want respect these days and I believe I deserve to attract a healthier man. I had someone verbally slamming me because my blog wasn't her ideal of what a blog should be so I almost quit writing altogether. But someone on Facebook served as a muse to start me back up. Also actress Kristen Johnson gave me some good advice on twitter. So in remembrance of the disease that nearly took my life, I quote the kids and adults at meetings from the halfway house I used to live in ...."I don't have to live like that anymore!" The song "Tear you apart" serves as a great example of the disease of addiction talking to me.
More will be revealed.....
Well....Here I am again, months later. I'm about to celebrate 2 years of sobriety for the first time ever in my whole freaking life. It's now 5:29 in the morning. I wake usually 3 hours too early but oh well, once I'm working full time again it will even out. I'm working at my part time job today. But I've summed up my disease in a very intense song from the group "She Wants Revenge"
The disease nearly took my life before I entered the halfway house 3 years ago (I was getting close to suicide) and I had a short relapse and bounced back. I believe my family of origin is toxic. A family member tries to censor me on Facebook as well...I'm staying out of relationships because men scare me now. I want respect these days and I believe I deserve to attract a healthier man. I had someone verbally slamming me because my blog wasn't her ideal of what a blog should be so I almost quit writing altogether. But someone on Facebook served as a muse to start me back up. Also actress Kristen Johnson gave me some good advice on twitter. So in remembrance of the disease that nearly took my life, I quote the kids and adults at meetings from the halfway house I used to live in ...."I don't have to live like that anymore!" The song "Tear you apart" serves as a great example of the disease of addiction talking to me.
More will be revealed.....
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Life on Life's terms
I'm human, and I go through bad days as well as good. I have health problems, I want to lose weight, and money situation gets better, have a face lift. I'm pretty vain sometimes but I know the world is not all about me.
It's a much bigger world out there and all I can do is my best. And stay in the moment. Try not to focus on myself in a vain way all the time, but when it comes to my recovery keep the focus on myself and watch my behavior and my character defects.
Plus try to improve on myself.
More will be revealed.....
It's a much bigger world out there and all I can do is my best. And stay in the moment. Try not to focus on myself in a vain way all the time, but when it comes to my recovery keep the focus on myself and watch my behavior and my character defects.
Plus try to improve on myself.
More will be revealed.....
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Just a swangin'...not like the old song
2009-2011
After my divorce, I lived in Winder. To me Barrow County was nothing but rows of cow pastures. I moved in with my mother. Life on life's terms was moving on slow motion and misery. I had gotten through Methadone withdrawal alive, which is another story. But I had started writing again, and with what things I saw from naughty people's twitter accounts, it looked like maybe I had a future writing smut.
However it didn't stop there. I saw links to swinging and fetish/S&M sites. I got a long distance boyfriend (another separate story) and I made friends with a wise woman I'm still friends with today who was a female escort/private companion in Toronto who had the Twitter name of Torontofox.
Short Backstory: Now let me point out, when my mother got divorced years ago, a part of it was because she wouldn't put out making dad an angry man in search of...who knows but I'm sure it was possibly sex related because he wasn't getting it at home. She found strength in her faith. Almost to an annoying level. She went to a tongue talking, bible toting, dancing in the aisles, everything outside is evil, rock and roll records is evil unless about Biblical matters church. By the way I lost my virginity to a guy at that church. I saw many hypocrites as well there. There was a certain brainwashing effect that church had on me, others as well I'm pure, and I never was deprogrammed.
But back to the present. Something inside me finally came out that not even my two live in relationships and a marriage couldn't get rid of. Maybe I was just exploring something I needed to, but it led to some dangerous situations, and a date with an S&M "Dom" as they are called. And I was drinking, popping pills, and feeling empty although I was going to meetings. I would be totally bombed, and would strip, taking selfies that are still floating around on the internet. I adopted a new Twitter personality and started buying naughty garments to accent my curves.
I also found several swinging websites. The void inside wasn't being filled so I filled it with alcohol and sex. Now let me say this: I can't blame my mother. Blame is a cop-out excuse, and looking back, I can't blame anyone but myself. I had found out I was bipolar since childhood. 3 psychiatrist's opinions I finally accepted the diagnosis.The meds, the alcohol, and the curiosity led me to some dangerous situations. I went to orgies, and sex parties. I was what is considered a "unicorn". A single woman for a couple to play with. I wanted to be touched, so I filled my emptiness with a combination of sex, alcohol, and pills. I'm grateful my higher power was watching me and guided me to a solution. I would drink all day long.
One night I passed out at a get together at a party host's house and they had to carry me upstairs to their guest room to sleep. Looking back I wonder if I had a death wish. But fate would intervene at a meeting so I got sober for 3 weeks before finally entering an Athens halfway house. I had to let myself feel ALL of the physical, mental, and spiritual pain before I was to get well. That's another story, but I'm totally grateful for my life, my friends, and my Family..who thought I'd probably totally lost my mind. And I'm not alone either. Hopefully soon I will be sponsoring others on the program of AA. I must pay it forward and help others.
Things are not perfect now, but I have wealth in other ways. My family, friends, sponsor, and a network that are priceless. So on that note, I'll come to a close for now.Hmmm, what video should I post? Oh I found one that fits. Enjoy.
More will be revealed....
After my divorce, I lived in Winder. To me Barrow County was nothing but rows of cow pastures. I moved in with my mother. Life on life's terms was moving on slow motion and misery. I had gotten through Methadone withdrawal alive, which is another story. But I had started writing again, and with what things I saw from naughty people's twitter accounts, it looked like maybe I had a future writing smut.
However it didn't stop there. I saw links to swinging and fetish/S&M sites. I got a long distance boyfriend (another separate story) and I made friends with a wise woman I'm still friends with today who was a female escort/private companion in Toronto who had the Twitter name of Torontofox.
Short Backstory: Now let me point out, when my mother got divorced years ago, a part of it was because she wouldn't put out making dad an angry man in search of...who knows but I'm sure it was possibly sex related because he wasn't getting it at home. She found strength in her faith. Almost to an annoying level. She went to a tongue talking, bible toting, dancing in the aisles, everything outside is evil, rock and roll records is evil unless about Biblical matters church. By the way I lost my virginity to a guy at that church. I saw many hypocrites as well there. There was a certain brainwashing effect that church had on me, others as well I'm pure, and I never was deprogrammed.
But back to the present. Something inside me finally came out that not even my two live in relationships and a marriage couldn't get rid of. Maybe I was just exploring something I needed to, but it led to some dangerous situations, and a date with an S&M "Dom" as they are called. And I was drinking, popping pills, and feeling empty although I was going to meetings. I would be totally bombed, and would strip, taking selfies that are still floating around on the internet. I adopted a new Twitter personality and started buying naughty garments to accent my curves.
I also found several swinging websites. The void inside wasn't being filled so I filled it with alcohol and sex. Now let me say this: I can't blame my mother. Blame is a cop-out excuse, and looking back, I can't blame anyone but myself. I had found out I was bipolar since childhood. 3 psychiatrist's opinions I finally accepted the diagnosis.The meds, the alcohol, and the curiosity led me to some dangerous situations. I went to orgies, and sex parties. I was what is considered a "unicorn". A single woman for a couple to play with. I wanted to be touched, so I filled my emptiness with a combination of sex, alcohol, and pills. I'm grateful my higher power was watching me and guided me to a solution. I would drink all day long.
One night I passed out at a get together at a party host's house and they had to carry me upstairs to their guest room to sleep. Looking back I wonder if I had a death wish. But fate would intervene at a meeting so I got sober for 3 weeks before finally entering an Athens halfway house. I had to let myself feel ALL of the physical, mental, and spiritual pain before I was to get well. That's another story, but I'm totally grateful for my life, my friends, and my Family..who thought I'd probably totally lost my mind. And I'm not alone either. Hopefully soon I will be sponsoring others on the program of AA. I must pay it forward and help others.
Things are not perfect now, but I have wealth in other ways. My family, friends, sponsor, and a network that are priceless. So on that note, I'll come to a close for now.Hmmm, what video should I post? Oh I found one that fits. Enjoy.
More will be revealed....
Monday, April 21, 2014
Making it happen
I'm going to get back on track after being so sick yesterday from an outdated fiber supplement.
Since jumping back to AA from NA, it's time to do stepwork today.Plus a meeting....right smack in the middle of Athens, a small Mecca with possibilities. At my age wasting time and procrastination are my enemy. I shall pray to HP (No not Hewlett Packard, my Higher Power)
More will be revealed...
Since jumping back to AA from NA, it's time to do stepwork today.Plus a meeting....right smack in the middle of Athens, a small Mecca with possibilities. At my age wasting time and procrastination are my enemy. I shall pray to HP (No not Hewlett Packard, my Higher Power)
More will be revealed...
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Time to get on with life, recovery included...
Today I'm hanging out with my 2 gay buddies, Scott and Bill. No attraction, except maybe to admire Scott's abs. Then we are hitting the botanical gardens in Athens. I need to wake up..so tired. The Bipolar meds make me so sluggish. Will add more content later. Oh, and down the road I have 2 more major relationships to write about..my tatted ex-boyfriend who killed my cat and almost killed me, and my ex husband. But this blog is about recovery and the past bad choices I made...because I knew no better.
Monday, April 14, 2014
I'm not looking anymore...For a man. Enjoying my existence one day at a time
It's Monday morning and I finished working all weekend. I'm not gonna concentrate on failure, this time it's not an option.
Woke up in the middle of the night last night, and was up for several hours. But I fell back asleep. And now I'm getting ready to work another step and sink my nose in a good book. Another YA Dystopian novel, but what I love about the ones I've read are that the main characters are strong self empowering women.
I gave my sweet dog her meds, and she's resting on my bed.
Have a great Monday readers, and hopefully some people are reading this.
More will be revealed....
Woke up in the middle of the night last night, and was up for several hours. But I fell back asleep. And now I'm getting ready to work another step and sink my nose in a good book. Another YA Dystopian novel, but what I love about the ones I've read are that the main characters are strong self empowering women.
I gave my sweet dog her meds, and she's resting on my bed.
Have a great Monday readers, and hopefully some people are reading this.
More will be revealed....
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Stop the Merry-go-Round, I've Gotta Step Off
Today I've decided to sit back on purpose. My dog almost died, I was cyberbullied, and a recent tryst ended in disaster.
I still believe one can only find true spiritual happiness within themselves and their higher power.
Today I'm listening to music that will calm my soul.
Today, I am grateful for my beloved 4-legged companion Sophie, whom I, along with my ex husband raised from a pup. I almost lost her. she has a weak heart, but now with medication is recovering.
Instead of burying my foot in Jonny's gluteus maximus, I shall work on myself.
Today, I've decided to start helping more women in the program. I need to start sponsoring soon.
Tears for me are not a sign of weakness but strength. My swollen eyes are my badges of strength as well.
I'm trying to be more selfless, I'm only human.
P. S. Someone on twitter read my blog and accused me of wanting pity from my readers. Now I can't stop my readers from thinking that. But no, this is a look at my character defects and how I wallowed in them. I wouldn't be sober if I was searching for pity. And yes latching onto a human being for sex and touch is another addiction of sorts. But I know I'm making progress. *smiles*
And as usual, more will be revealed....
I still believe one can only find true spiritual happiness within themselves and their higher power.
Today I'm listening to music that will calm my soul.
Today, I am grateful for my beloved 4-legged companion Sophie, whom I, along with my ex husband raised from a pup. I almost lost her. she has a weak heart, but now with medication is recovering.
Instead of burying my foot in Jonny's gluteus maximus, I shall work on myself.
Today, I've decided to start helping more women in the program. I need to start sponsoring soon.
Tears for me are not a sign of weakness but strength. My swollen eyes are my badges of strength as well.
I'm trying to be more selfless, I'm only human.
P. S. Someone on twitter read my blog and accused me of wanting pity from my readers. Now I can't stop my readers from thinking that. But no, this is a look at my character defects and how I wallowed in them. I wouldn't be sober if I was searching for pity. And yes latching onto a human being for sex and touch is another addiction of sorts. But I know I'm making progress. *smiles*
And as usual, more will be revealed....
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me
Hi readers. This is just basically a footnote to my last post. When one is lonely they should go to a meeting instead of latching on to someone out of desperation. Human beings can be like drugs as well.
The light at the end of this tunnel is that I learned from it. I knew Jonny wanted just sex. Part of me wants to bury my foot where he sits. But I had my part in it. And I've learned a valuable lesson.
More will be revealed...
The light at the end of this tunnel is that I learned from it. I knew Jonny wanted just sex. Part of me wants to bury my foot where he sits. But I had my part in it. And I've learned a valuable lesson.
More will be revealed...
Monday, April 7, 2014
While The wound is fresh...a look at a choice I made , and my decision to stay sober through it all.
I'm feeling very strange today. Instead of drugs or alcohol I decided to fill a void with a man. A young man with a lot of issues. I have already seen Jonny once, I was craving sex. I know it's disturbing to crave something like that but he was younger than me and I prefer younger men for the most part. So yesterday I invited him over to my house where we got cozy in my bed and ended up having sex. I started having feelings for him. Later he got a phone call from his roommate saying his sister has been life-flighted to the hospital and that she was in a bad car wreck. My roommate and I comforted him and I immediately took him home. I started feeling weird, worry about his sister, himself and what was going to happen afterward.
Well I tried to send him a message on Facebook. He had blocked me. I got the proverbial stomach drop, and I couldn't even cry. I just stayed numb. A strange numbness that comes from dealing w/grief, not drinking or using drugs, because I hadn't, and now as well. I have 18 months of sobriety and still numb. I want to go to the grocery store and buy something chocolate. I look at this as a flesh wound and can only continue to make progress in my life, not perfection. It's a sore on my soul, and I have to tend to the sore with vigilance and be around friends, and I already talked to my sponsor. The love and fellowship is what I need now, it's the salve to heal the wound.
This interruption to my life is so fresh. I strive for progress, not perfection.
More will be revealed....
Friday, April 4, 2014
Dean..The Aftermath
Wow, I'll never forget the months after Dean called to break our relationship off. I simply set myself on the path to self destruction. I started drinking when it got too painful. Feelings were something I hated to face. So I did whatever I could to lessen the pain. Leaned on my best friend I had at the time, and I had been laid off my job before the dreadful news as well.
I got on unemployment and found a part time job with full time hours, and started crushing on several guys. Hoping this would ease the pain I went back to my cycle of looking for a man fix. This was 5 yrs before I discovered the opiates that made me comfortably numb. My job was cashier at one of those Memebership warehouses. Sam's bought them out years later.
I got involved with Brad Ludwig, who drove a huge old Red Chevy pickup with black doors. He winked at me all time, and I had my eye set on him. However when I showed up at AA meetings I would see Dean. I did not handle it well. I would burst into tears and cry out of the blue. I carried a torch and a picture of the two of us in my wallet showing his picture like we never broke up.
Then came the day when I put a poem in the warehouse newsletter, Brad and I started seeing one another. He dumped Bri, the girl he was seeing for me. However I was enjoying the alcohol too much. I went w/him to a store party at T-Birds and the braves game. I was plastered at both events, We had sex in several places including by a set a train tracks in his pickup in Lithonia Ga. All the while my fellow friends at my love addiction group where concerned about me.
Brad blew me off and I told my Al-Anon sponsor I had a drinking problem .That was the beginning of my exposure to the program. I managed a year without the drinking, transferred to another location of the membership warehouse, and set my on a new course. There, I met the next relationship..with a mullet and tattoos. But that's another story.
Footnote: Recently I judged someone for carrying a torch for their ex. Yet I had done the same thing many times. But..this time I caught myself gratefully. The program works if you work it.
More will be revealed.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)