The Desire To Be The Human Being I Was Meant To Be..Whatever That Is

Honestly, I consider myself a good person. I made bad choices though, years of spinning my mental wheels and sometimes thinking I had the worse case of bad self esteem on the planet.
I keep wondering what started this. Birth? Being 2 weeks late being born? Foreceps?  Mom was telling me about the day I was born. My fat head was jammed in her thin birth canal. She said the doctor seemed to be in a hurry.  Probably was itching to get to his golf game or fuck his mistress, or both. So he pressed hard on that pair of foreceps and I finally came out, and got my first stinging slap.

I was always the girl picked last for kickball at school.
The most picked on, except for when one kid tried to set my hair on fire and I punched him in the eye. I  loved my earlier childhood in Maryville Tennessee, it was when my father was transferred to Atlanta that some troubles seemed to brew.

Anyhow I thought of those things. You reflect a lot going to AA and NA meetings with a piece of paper has to be signed proving you attended them.

Sleeping in a twin bunk bed with 4 other women crammed into a small room got to be nerve wracking sometimes, and at other times there was a sense of commradery.We had to be in bed at 11:00 pm or you were were infracted. Caught with your cell phone on texting or talking infracted with a chance of losing your weekend pass. In hindsight I saw some of the types of women and girls there and it was kind of necessary to a point. But Janice was a mean looking African American bull dyke sort of looking woman who was no nonsense. We had to pee in a cup in front of her and it was humiliating to say the least. Many of the women were mandated or came straight from jail, and thought nothing of it. You would think with some of the deviant behavior I engaged in when I was drunk and doing pills, completely nude it wouldn't bother me. But I was stripped of all my favorite alcoholic drinks and pills, so no, it was difficult, however I was still allowed to take my mental health medications.  But I grew used to the awful dreaded chore. Speaking of chores, we had one different chore in the townhouse assigned to us each week.
But out of all this...I started to become a human again.

More will be revealed.