I'm not looking anymore...For a man. Enjoying my existence one day at a time

It's Monday morning and I finished working all weekend. I'm not gonna concentrate on failure, this time it's not an option.

Woke up in the middle of the night last night, and was up for several hours. But I fell back asleep. And now I'm getting ready to work another step and sink my nose in a good book. Another YA Dystopian novel, but what I love about the ones I've read are that the main characters are strong self empowering women.

I gave my sweet dog her meds, and she's resting on my bed.

Have a great Monday readers, and hopefully some people are reading this.

More will be revealed....

Stop the Merry-go-Round, I've Gotta Step Off

Today I've decided to sit back on purpose. My dog almost died, I was cyberbullied, and a recent tryst ended in disaster.

 I still believe one can only find true spiritual happiness within themselves and their higher power.

Today I'm listening to music that will calm my soul.

Today, I am grateful for my beloved 4-legged companion Sophie, whom I, along with my ex husband raised from a pup. I almost lost her. she has a weak heart, but now with medication is recovering.

Instead of burying my foot in Jonny's gluteus maximus, I shall work on myself.

Today, I've decided to start helping more women in the program. I need to start sponsoring soon.

Tears for me are not a sign of weakness but strength. My swollen eyes are my badges of strength as well.

 I'm trying to be more selfless, I'm only human.

P. S. Someone on twitter read my blog and accused me of wanting pity from my readers. Now I can't stop my readers from thinking that. But no, this is a look at my character defects and how I wallowed in them. I wouldn't be sober if I was searching for pity. And yes latching onto a human being for sex and touch is another addiction of sorts. But I know I'm making progress. *smiles*

And as usual, more will be revealed....

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Hi readers. This is just basically a footnote to my last post. When one is lonely they should go to a meeting instead of latching on to someone out of desperation. Human beings can be like drugs as well.

The light at the end of this tunnel is that I learned from it. I knew Jonny wanted just sex. Part of me wants to bury my foot where he sits. But I had my part in it. And I've learned a valuable lesson.

More will be revealed...

While The wound is fresh...a look at a choice I made , and my decision to stay sober through it all.

I'm feeling very strange today. Instead of drugs or alcohol I decided to fill a void with a man. A young man with a lot of issues. I have already seen Jonny once, I was craving sex. I know it's disturbing to crave something like that but he was younger than me and I prefer younger men for the most part.  So yesterday I invited him over to my house where we got cozy in my bed and ended up having sex.  I started having feelings for him. Later he got a phone call from his roommate saying his sister has been life-flighted to the hospital and that she was in a bad car wreck. My roommate and I comforted him and I immediately took him home. I started feeling weird, worry about his sister, himself and what was going to happen afterward.

Well I tried to send him a message on Facebook. He had blocked me. I got the proverbial stomach drop, and I couldn't even cry. I just stayed numb. A strange numbness that comes from dealing w/grief, not drinking or using drugs, because I hadn't, and now as well. I have 18 months of sobriety and still numb. I want to go to the grocery store and buy something chocolate. I look at this as a flesh wound and can only continue to make progress in my life, not perfection.  It's a sore on my soul, and I have to tend to the sore with vigilance and be around friends, and I already talked to my sponsor. The love and fellowship is what I need now, it's the salve to heal the wound.

This interruption to my life is so fresh. I strive for progress, not perfection.


More will be revealed....

Dean..The Aftermath

1991 Winter-Spring

Wow, I'll never forget the months after Dean called to break our relationship off. I simply set myself on the path to self destruction. I started drinking when it got too painful. Feelings were something I hated to face. So I did whatever I could to lessen the pain. Leaned on my best friend I had at the time, and I had been laid off my job before the dreadful news as well.

I got on unemployment and found a part time job with full time hours, and started crushing on several guys.  Hoping this would ease the pain I went back to my cycle of looking for a man fix. This was 5 yrs before I discovered the opiates that made me comfortably numb.   My job was cashier at one of those Memebership warehouses. Sam's bought them out years later.

I got involved with Brad Ludwig, who drove a huge old Red Chevy pickup with black doors. He winked at me all time, and I had my eye set on him. However when I showed up at AA meetings I would see Dean. I did not handle it well. I would burst into tears and cry out of the blue. I carried a torch and a picture of the two of us in my wallet showing his picture like we never broke up.

Then came the day when I put a poem in the warehouse newsletter, Brad and I started seeing one another. He dumped Bri, the girl he was seeing for me. However I was enjoying the alcohol too much. I went w/him to a store party at T-Birds and the braves game. I was plastered at both events, We had sex in several places including by a set a train tracks in his pickup in Lithonia Ga. All the while my fellow friends at my love addiction group where concerned about me.

Brad blew me off and I told my Al-Anon sponsor I had a drinking problem .That was the beginning of my exposure to the program. I managed a year without the drinking, transferred to another location of the membership warehouse, and set my on a new course. There, I met the next relationship..with a mullet and tattoos. But that's another story.

Footnote: Recently I judged someone for carrying a torch for their ex. Yet I had done the same thing many times. But..this time I caught myself gratefully. The program works if you work it.

More will be revealed.....

Dean

 This is probably one of the more painful posts of my life, yet rewarding in a strange way. I met the man who would introduce me to the program of AA.

Let me just say that all the names I use in my blog are fictional, for their and my own protection.

 The song I posted played the 1st night we were together in the biblical way. Listen to it while reading the post. And it sums up were I was at. As of 1990, big hair bands were still in, and I loved Great White.

How do I begin talking about Dean Rosenthal? I'm gonna start at the beginning.

I was working at a computer store for a month, I was sitting at my register on a slow day. Then I saw him. Very tall, with large brown eyes and a well chiseled chin. He looked straight at me and I got chills. Part of me knew this man was going to be a turning point in my life. One of those premonitions. I felt him in my gut, and I won't go any further on the physical feelings he brought about. I even told my best friend at the time over dinner something was going to occur between us. It was electric when he walked past me.

I was living with a roommate at the time in Norcross Ga. One day he asked me if I would go out with him for coffee.

Let me just say this...I was still naive and gullable as one could be. I had been involved with a guy who made me his back burner girl. Then he dumped me because his girlfriend was pregnant. A string of dates and one nighters under my belt, and I couldn't get enough of my man addiction. I would always drink when these involvements were over.

Anyhow we went for coffee and we talked, plus we decided we would start going out.
Our first official date was going to my then BFF's house for dinner, then we went to Stone Mountain for the laser show against the mountain. The whole time he was saying things that were insulting..but I couldn't see past it. Only in hindsight. But I was in love, and a fool.

We went to my apartment afterwards, he started kissing me, he laid down on the sofa and I was laying on top of him, fully clothed. We agreed to go to my bedroom, where passionate love was made, and he ended up spending the night. He lived near the Atlanta airport on the other side of town.

One thing I have learned in hindsight is if one doesn't have the self confidence and self love one must have in order to be happy and well adjusted, a romance will end in disaster.

But I was lost in him, and the first few months were some of the most passionate I ever had in my life. By the time Autumn came around, things began to unravel. I was terribly jealous. We would be out in public and women would stare at him. When he talked to women I would burn with jealousy. This would happen a lot at AA meetings. By this time we were living together, and I hardly ate. Instead I would chain smoke.

One night I was fearful something had happened to him. I jumped in my car and drove back and forth on the interstate looking for his car on the side of the road or an accident. I was starting to melt down. He was my addiction, my everything. My weight started to plummet and people were getting worried about me, even pitying me. My Al-Anon sponsor was terribly worried. He bit me on the back once, and once on my lip during this time, being even more mentally cruel than before.

But I hung on to him anyway....

Then January 21st, 1991, he called me to break up with me.

The downward spiral of drinking had begun. The co-dependency, the need for self worth in a man had blown up in my foolish face. I was drunk the day I went to pick up my things from his apartment. Then I joined a group my Al-Anon sponsor started called "Women who love too much." Myself and two other hollowed out shells joined the group. Even my Dad, who was in to thin women, was worried at the time. I almost could have passed for anorexic.

But now, looking back, I'm happy I'm not involved with anyone. All my relationships ended up in disaster. Only recently a few years back have I learned that I must be happy with myself. I'll settle for the love of my dog and my friends. I'm not looking for anyone now. I have a novel to write and a desire to help others.

And I do have to say this: It gets better if you work on yourself first.

More will be revealed...

"I Call Shotgun!"

I was remembering ing somewhat fondly the period of 9 month mark of when I was living at the halfway house. I was never alone (although sometimes that can be bad.) Spring was in the air, I had a local BFF, and the girls there took turns straightening my hair. One girl in particular, Lisa, started calling me mama. The girls knew I was childless and they sometimes missed their own mothers, or some never knew theirs.
  I enjoyed it. I had just gotten a car and was sick of riding the bus. In Georgia, if you don't live in the main city, Atlanta, you lose time. You spend too much time getting where you get to go. I had a job that sometimes could be rewarding paycheck-wise, but sucked otherwise and one had to clock out for a restroom break.
   After work, it was time to get ready for a meeting..something I actually enjoyed because being in that halfway house could get claustrophobic. I  got used to "Mama do you have room for me to ride to the meeting? That was my social life back then. I was starting to get back on my feet, and hope was in the air. Back when I didn't have a car, I had to beg for rides. Some of the gals charged an outrageous price for a ride.
    This time I was collecting a few dollars. I would let the newer ones ride for free as a way of paying forward my gratitude. Lisa and Brandi knew they could get away with the free rides b/c I was their "mama" and I was close to them. We all would get dolled up for our meeting and I was always looking forward to seeing Pauley or some sexy new guy who didn't look like a redneck. I guess I was a bit of a snob. But there's one phrase I'll always remember fondly that spring when I was leaving the halfway house for a meeting..."I call shotgun mama!"

More will be revealed....