This has been the most stressful Christmas in 20 + years. Family relations in my opinion are not that easy. Something happened that alienated me from my family. Due to my concerns about something. I will pay for this it seems for the rest of my life. Hopefully in years to come I will get some forgiveness. I'm trying to increase family bonds again. I'm going to try and not be a Scrooge, or a Grinch. I think the last worst Christmas was over 20+ years ago when I had a live in boyfriend who was a psycho. I'm not going to post any more music videos on my blog, just because a cyberbully harassed me on Twitter whom I had to block. The ex boyfriend used to tell me every now and then that he was going to kill me and bury me in the backyard. He killed one of my cats and , in his defense, ran over my other cat by accident. He immediately took him to the animal hospital. My cat died months later after I left him and since the new boyfriend , in 1995, wouldn't allow cats, I had to take him to one of my mother's friend's house. But she never cared for him well and my latter housemate and I rescued him, but he died of flea anemia. When I got the call, blamed myself of course, and the lady who took him in. I should have found a home for poor "Punkin". But that was the beginning of a long recovery period for me, the first in four recovery periods.
More will be revealed (Words taken from the big book)
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Marilyn, my hat goes off to you and I bow in your presence
Back in 2010, when I lived in Winder Ga, Sometimes my head went to dangerous places. I do believe I was still quite naive after my divorce. I got on Twitter because
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.
Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.
When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.
Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada. My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.
Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.
But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.
Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.
More will be revealed...
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.
Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.
When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.
Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada. My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.
Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.
But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.
Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Courage
I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today. They call it pissing all over today.
I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off, Big Brother started early in the 2000's. But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.
Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.
The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.
I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.
I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.
This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.
More will be revealed....
I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today. They call it pissing all over today.
I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off, Big Brother started early in the 2000's. But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.
Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.
The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.
I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.
I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.
This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.
More will be revealed....
Friday, September 12, 2014
The addiction that nearly killed me
Well....Here I am again, months later. I'm about to celebrate 2 years of sobriety for the first time ever in my whole freaking life. It's now 5:29 in the morning. I wake usually 3 hours too early but oh well, once I'm working full time again it will even out. I'm working at my part time job today. But I've summed up my disease in a very intense song from the group "She Wants Revenge"
The disease nearly took my life before I entered the halfway house 3 years ago (I was getting close to suicide) and I had a short relapse and bounced back. I believe my family of origin is toxic. A family member tries to censor me on Facebook as well...I'm staying out of relationships because men scare me now. I want respect these days and I believe I deserve to attract a healthier man. I had someone verbally slamming me because my blog wasn't her ideal of what a blog should be so I almost quit writing altogether. But someone on Facebook served as a muse to start me back up. Also actress Kristen Johnson gave me some good advice on twitter. So in remembrance of the disease that nearly took my life, I quote the kids and adults at meetings from the halfway house I used to live in ...."I don't have to live like that anymore!" The song "Tear you apart" serves as a great example of the disease of addiction talking to me.
More will be revealed.....
Well....Here I am again, months later. I'm about to celebrate 2 years of sobriety for the first time ever in my whole freaking life. It's now 5:29 in the morning. I wake usually 3 hours too early but oh well, once I'm working full time again it will even out. I'm working at my part time job today. But I've summed up my disease in a very intense song from the group "She Wants Revenge"
The disease nearly took my life before I entered the halfway house 3 years ago (I was getting close to suicide) and I had a short relapse and bounced back. I believe my family of origin is toxic. A family member tries to censor me on Facebook as well...I'm staying out of relationships because men scare me now. I want respect these days and I believe I deserve to attract a healthier man. I had someone verbally slamming me because my blog wasn't her ideal of what a blog should be so I almost quit writing altogether. But someone on Facebook served as a muse to start me back up. Also actress Kristen Johnson gave me some good advice on twitter. So in remembrance of the disease that nearly took my life, I quote the kids and adults at meetings from the halfway house I used to live in ...."I don't have to live like that anymore!" The song "Tear you apart" serves as a great example of the disease of addiction talking to me.
More will be revealed.....
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Life on Life's terms
I'm human, and I go through bad days as well as good. I have health problems, I want to lose weight, and money situation gets better, have a face lift. I'm pretty vain sometimes but I know the world is not all about me.
It's a much bigger world out there and all I can do is my best. And stay in the moment. Try not to focus on myself in a vain way all the time, but when it comes to my recovery keep the focus on myself and watch my behavior and my character defects.
Plus try to improve on myself.
More will be revealed.....
It's a much bigger world out there and all I can do is my best. And stay in the moment. Try not to focus on myself in a vain way all the time, but when it comes to my recovery keep the focus on myself and watch my behavior and my character defects.
Plus try to improve on myself.
More will be revealed.....
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Just a swangin'...not like the old song
2009-2011
After my divorce, I lived in Winder. To me Barrow County was nothing but rows of cow pastures. I moved in with my mother. Life on life's terms was moving on slow motion and misery. I had gotten through Methadone withdrawal alive, which is another story. But I had started writing again, and with what things I saw from naughty people's twitter accounts, it looked like maybe I had a future writing smut.
However it didn't stop there. I saw links to swinging and fetish/S&M sites. I got a long distance boyfriend (another separate story) and I made friends with a wise woman I'm still friends with today who was a female escort/private companion in Toronto who had the Twitter name of Torontofox.
Short Backstory: Now let me point out, when my mother got divorced years ago, a part of it was because she wouldn't put out making dad an angry man in search of...who knows but I'm sure it was possibly sex related because he wasn't getting it at home. She found strength in her faith. Almost to an annoying level. She went to a tongue talking, bible toting, dancing in the aisles, everything outside is evil, rock and roll records is evil unless about Biblical matters church. By the way I lost my virginity to a guy at that church. I saw many hypocrites as well there. There was a certain brainwashing effect that church had on me, others as well I'm pure, and I never was deprogrammed.
But back to the present. Something inside me finally came out that not even my two live in relationships and a marriage couldn't get rid of. Maybe I was just exploring something I needed to, but it led to some dangerous situations, and a date with an S&M "Dom" as they are called. And I was drinking, popping pills, and feeling empty although I was going to meetings. I would be totally bombed, and would strip, taking selfies that are still floating around on the internet. I adopted a new Twitter personality and started buying naughty garments to accent my curves.
I also found several swinging websites. The void inside wasn't being filled so I filled it with alcohol and sex. Now let me say this: I can't blame my mother. Blame is a cop-out excuse, and looking back, I can't blame anyone but myself. I had found out I was bipolar since childhood. 3 psychiatrist's opinions I finally accepted the diagnosis.The meds, the alcohol, and the curiosity led me to some dangerous situations. I went to orgies, and sex parties. I was what is considered a "unicorn". A single woman for a couple to play with. I wanted to be touched, so I filled my emptiness with a combination of sex, alcohol, and pills. I'm grateful my higher power was watching me and guided me to a solution. I would drink all day long.
One night I passed out at a get together at a party host's house and they had to carry me upstairs to their guest room to sleep. Looking back I wonder if I had a death wish. But fate would intervene at a meeting so I got sober for 3 weeks before finally entering an Athens halfway house. I had to let myself feel ALL of the physical, mental, and spiritual pain before I was to get well. That's another story, but I'm totally grateful for my life, my friends, and my Family..who thought I'd probably totally lost my mind. And I'm not alone either. Hopefully soon I will be sponsoring others on the program of AA. I must pay it forward and help others.
Things are not perfect now, but I have wealth in other ways. My family, friends, sponsor, and a network that are priceless. So on that note, I'll come to a close for now.Hmmm, what video should I post? Oh I found one that fits. Enjoy.
More will be revealed....
After my divorce, I lived in Winder. To me Barrow County was nothing but rows of cow pastures. I moved in with my mother. Life on life's terms was moving on slow motion and misery. I had gotten through Methadone withdrawal alive, which is another story. But I had started writing again, and with what things I saw from naughty people's twitter accounts, it looked like maybe I had a future writing smut.
However it didn't stop there. I saw links to swinging and fetish/S&M sites. I got a long distance boyfriend (another separate story) and I made friends with a wise woman I'm still friends with today who was a female escort/private companion in Toronto who had the Twitter name of Torontofox.
Short Backstory: Now let me point out, when my mother got divorced years ago, a part of it was because she wouldn't put out making dad an angry man in search of...who knows but I'm sure it was possibly sex related because he wasn't getting it at home. She found strength in her faith. Almost to an annoying level. She went to a tongue talking, bible toting, dancing in the aisles, everything outside is evil, rock and roll records is evil unless about Biblical matters church. By the way I lost my virginity to a guy at that church. I saw many hypocrites as well there. There was a certain brainwashing effect that church had on me, others as well I'm pure, and I never was deprogrammed.
But back to the present. Something inside me finally came out that not even my two live in relationships and a marriage couldn't get rid of. Maybe I was just exploring something I needed to, but it led to some dangerous situations, and a date with an S&M "Dom" as they are called. And I was drinking, popping pills, and feeling empty although I was going to meetings. I would be totally bombed, and would strip, taking selfies that are still floating around on the internet. I adopted a new Twitter personality and started buying naughty garments to accent my curves.
I also found several swinging websites. The void inside wasn't being filled so I filled it with alcohol and sex. Now let me say this: I can't blame my mother. Blame is a cop-out excuse, and looking back, I can't blame anyone but myself. I had found out I was bipolar since childhood. 3 psychiatrist's opinions I finally accepted the diagnosis.The meds, the alcohol, and the curiosity led me to some dangerous situations. I went to orgies, and sex parties. I was what is considered a "unicorn". A single woman for a couple to play with. I wanted to be touched, so I filled my emptiness with a combination of sex, alcohol, and pills. I'm grateful my higher power was watching me and guided me to a solution. I would drink all day long.
One night I passed out at a get together at a party host's house and they had to carry me upstairs to their guest room to sleep. Looking back I wonder if I had a death wish. But fate would intervene at a meeting so I got sober for 3 weeks before finally entering an Athens halfway house. I had to let myself feel ALL of the physical, mental, and spiritual pain before I was to get well. That's another story, but I'm totally grateful for my life, my friends, and my Family..who thought I'd probably totally lost my mind. And I'm not alone either. Hopefully soon I will be sponsoring others on the program of AA. I must pay it forward and help others.
Things are not perfect now, but I have wealth in other ways. My family, friends, sponsor, and a network that are priceless. So on that note, I'll come to a close for now.Hmmm, what video should I post? Oh I found one that fits. Enjoy.
More will be revealed....
Monday, April 21, 2014
Making it happen
I'm going to get back on track after being so sick yesterday from an outdated fiber supplement.
Since jumping back to AA from NA, it's time to do stepwork today.Plus a meeting....right smack in the middle of Athens, a small Mecca with possibilities. At my age wasting time and procrastination are my enemy. I shall pray to HP (No not Hewlett Packard, my Higher Power)
More will be revealed...
Since jumping back to AA from NA, it's time to do stepwork today.Plus a meeting....right smack in the middle of Athens, a small Mecca with possibilities. At my age wasting time and procrastination are my enemy. I shall pray to HP (No not Hewlett Packard, my Higher Power)
More will be revealed...
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