Dean

 This is probably one of the more painful posts of my life, yet rewarding in a strange way. I met the man who would introduce me to the program of AA.

Let me just say that all the names I use in my blog are fictional, for their and my own protection.

 The song I posted played the 1st night we were together in the biblical way. Listen to it while reading the post. And it sums up were I was at. As of 1990, big hair bands were still in, and I loved Great White.

How do I begin talking about Dean Rosenthal? I'm gonna start at the beginning.

I was working at a computer store for a month, I was sitting at my register on a slow day. Then I saw him. Very tall, with large brown eyes and a well chiseled chin. He looked straight at me and I got chills. Part of me knew this man was going to be a turning point in my life. One of those premonitions. I felt him in my gut, and I won't go any further on the physical feelings he brought about. I even told my best friend at the time over dinner something was going to occur between us. It was electric when he walked past me.

I was living with a roommate at the time in Norcross Ga. One day he asked me if I would go out with him for coffee.

Let me just say this...I was still naive and gullable as one could be. I had been involved with a guy who made me his back burner girl. Then he dumped me because his girlfriend was pregnant. A string of dates and one nighters under my belt, and I couldn't get enough of my man addiction. I would always drink when these involvements were over.

Anyhow we went for coffee and we talked, plus we decided we would start going out.
Our first official date was going to my then BFF's house for dinner, then we went to Stone Mountain for the laser show against the mountain. The whole time he was saying things that were insulting..but I couldn't see past it. Only in hindsight. But I was in love, and a fool.

We went to my apartment afterwards, he started kissing me, he laid down on the sofa and I was laying on top of him, fully clothed. We agreed to go to my bedroom, where passionate love was made, and he ended up spending the night. He lived near the Atlanta airport on the other side of town.

One thing I have learned in hindsight is if one doesn't have the self confidence and self love one must have in order to be happy and well adjusted, a romance will end in disaster.

But I was lost in him, and the first few months were some of the most passionate I ever had in my life. By the time Autumn came around, things began to unravel. I was terribly jealous. We would be out in public and women would stare at him. When he talked to women I would burn with jealousy. This would happen a lot at AA meetings. By this time we were living together, and I hardly ate. Instead I would chain smoke.

One night I was fearful something had happened to him. I jumped in my car and drove back and forth on the interstate looking for his car on the side of the road or an accident. I was starting to melt down. He was my addiction, my everything. My weight started to plummet and people were getting worried about me, even pitying me. My Al-Anon sponsor was terribly worried. He bit me on the back once, and once on my lip during this time, being even more mentally cruel than before.

But I hung on to him anyway....

Then January 21st, 1991, he called me to break up with me.

The downward spiral of drinking had begun. The co-dependency, the need for self worth in a man had blown up in my foolish face. I was drunk the day I went to pick up my things from his apartment. Then I joined a group my Al-Anon sponsor started called "Women who love too much." Myself and two other hollowed out shells joined the group. Even my Dad, who was in to thin women, was worried at the time. I almost could have passed for anorexic.

But now, looking back, I'm happy I'm not involved with anyone. All my relationships ended up in disaster. Only recently a few years back have I learned that I must be happy with myself. I'll settle for the love of my dog and my friends. I'm not looking for anyone now. I have a novel to write and a desire to help others.

And I do have to say this: It gets better if you work on yourself first.

More will be revealed...

"I Call Shotgun!"

I was remembering ing somewhat fondly the period of 9 month mark of when I was living at the halfway house. I was never alone (although sometimes that can be bad.) Spring was in the air, I had a local BFF, and the girls there took turns straightening my hair. One girl in particular, Lisa, started calling me mama. The girls knew I was childless and they sometimes missed their own mothers, or some never knew theirs.
  I enjoyed it. I had just gotten a car and was sick of riding the bus. In Georgia, if you don't live in the main city, Atlanta, you lose time. You spend too much time getting where you get to go. I had a job that sometimes could be rewarding paycheck-wise, but sucked otherwise and one had to clock out for a restroom break.
   After work, it was time to get ready for a meeting..something I actually enjoyed because being in that halfway house could get claustrophobic. I  got used to "Mama do you have room for me to ride to the meeting? That was my social life back then. I was starting to get back on my feet, and hope was in the air. Back when I didn't have a car, I had to beg for rides. Some of the gals charged an outrageous price for a ride.
    This time I was collecting a few dollars. I would let the newer ones ride for free as a way of paying forward my gratitude. Lisa and Brandi knew they could get away with the free rides b/c I was their "mama" and I was close to them. We all would get dolled up for our meeting and I was always looking forward to seeing Pauley or some sexy new guy who didn't look like a redneck. I guess I was a bit of a snob. But there's one phrase I'll always remember fondly that spring when I was leaving the halfway house for a meeting..."I call shotgun mama!"

More will be revealed....

Eclipse, the third movie

Maybe I should go ahead and continue my Twilight tribute. This one's dedicated to Eclipse.

The last movie ended with Edward proposing to Bella, where she sighs in shock. This movie begins with him proposing over and over.

The plot of this one is the newborn army that Victoria, mate of the slain James from Twilight, is organizing to kill Bella. She creates various vamps out of runaways, and other assorted teenagers. Her first victim is Riley, leader of the army, (well played by actor Xavier Samuel).

Then there's a Victoria spotting (now played by Bryce Dallas Howard) and the cullens are ready to chase after her and catch her. However they are unsuccessful. Edward, sensing this danger, gives Bella plane tickets for Florida, Jacksonville specifically to see her mother, plus he tags along. Much to the dismay of Charlie, Bella's father. Edward hides this fact about the slaughters in Seattle, prompting Jacob to tell her about it. The rest of the movie is very enjoyable so watch it...The biggest two finales are yet to come. Breaking Dawn Parts 1 and 2.



More will be revealed....

Lady Interrupted

I will get back to my Twilight saga tribute on my next post. However I believe I should write about the funk I've been in. Recovery isn't all puppy dogs, rainbows and purring kittens.

When the holidays ended, I sort of fell back into a depressed state, slacking off on meetings because I had to be careful with gas. Plus a back injury that made me crave narcotics wasn't helping. My hours got cut, and I had to put every bit of intestinal fortitude into finishing my step 4 paperwork. My sponsor and I are going over it on Saturday.

I'm not in a halfway house anymore. I have been out of one almost a year and a half now. I'm living at a friend's house. The real world can be frightening when you're in a funk. My mom is ill and frail. I think about her every day. But life on life's terms isn't as bad as it could be, so I'm gonna live in the moment today, and try to get more followers on this blog. Plus I might benefit from helping someone else. My sponsor says I might be ready to sponsor someone after we go over my fearless moral inventory (step 4).

More will be revealed....

New Moon... The 2nd book and movie in the saga.

The next movie/book, New Moon is one of my favorites b/c it speaks on love and loss, plus reuniting, sacrificing danger to save the love of her life, Edward.

  New Moon begins w/Bella going to school and her literature class is studying Romeo and Juliet. Edward introduces the Volturi during class and the teacher makes him recite the sililoquy of Romeo's last words to Juliet. Then at the Cullen house Edward speaks more of the Volturi, the closest thing to Royalty for vampires.

Then comes the birthday party for Bella, who thinks she's growing older by the minute. Of course she wants to be changed to a vampire by Edward, who wants her to remain human.

The birthday party begins afterward, and when Bella opens a gift she gets a papercut. Blood drops to the floor and Jasper, the youngest of all the Cullens vampire wise, smells it and has a major moment of weakness. This leads to Edward and the Cullens leaving Forks and Edward lies to Bella that he doesn't want her to come with them. This leaves Bella in a major depression, describing the situation "as if a huge hole was punched into her chest. He makes her promise not to do anything reckless, which leads to her reckless behavior which in turn, makes her see visions of him and hearing his voice.

During this time she has befriended Jacob, who has gone through struggles of his own, and he leaves Bella as well. In addition, James's mate, Victoria wants to kill Bella because Edward caused the death of her mate.

In her search for the visions, which she is missing, she encounters Laurent in the meadow, which is now dried up, no flowers in bloom. Laurent, who was helpful in the last movie, wants to kill Bella because of her fragrant, tasty blood. I don't want to give too much away, but the wolves make their first appearance here.

Eventually Bella decides to jump off of a cliff, instead of diving like the wolf pack, with Victoria in hot persuit. She jumps, and almost drowns. All of this leads up to Alice visiting the Swan residence. And on top of that Edward, whom Rosalie told about the jump, has told Edward that Bella died. Edward in turn wants to die too, so he visits the Volturi, begging them to kill him. They refuse, so he comes up with a plan to show himself during a festival in Voltura. That's when the excitement really begins... The last clip from New Moon I'm gonna show is this one.

Not the actual background music the movie used but close enough. This movie was special to me because it spoke of love, love lost, utter despair, and reuniting, albeit some danger is present after the reunion. But this movie is worth watching, especially if you're a love story afficionado.

More will be revealed....

My take on the Twilight Saga..And thank you so much Stephenie Meyer for changing my life"

Back in early 2009 I was in the middle of spending my tax money. My aunt and I would talk about many subjects on the phone. One particular topic came up.

 My aunt Lynn was talking about how much she enjoyed reading the Twilight saga. I said "Oh I saw pictures of that Edward Cullen guy but what makes it so special? She told me "Just start reading it, you'll see." So I went to Wally World and bought all of the books. I started reading and couldn't put it down.

 Basically Twilight is about a young girl, Bella Swan, who moves up to the rainy Washington town of Forks. Her father lives up there and is the chief of police. She reconnects w/her childhood friend Jacob Black and gets the old red truck he worked on. The first day of school Bella meets some new classmates. She's the type who normally keeps to herself but come lunch period she notices a special group of students that have a unique pale look...The Cullens. Then Edward Cullen walks into the lunchroom and Bella is magnetically drawn to him. Here's a scene from the movie:

Anyhow, again, she sees him in class. Unbeknownst  to Bella Edward gets of whiff of her scent. The most delectable blood he's ever smelled.

Anyhow they finally have their first talk, and she's about to leave school. She notices Edward's staring at her, and for a very good reason. His psychically gifted adopted sister Alice predicted that she was in danger.

She begins to suspect that there's something to this guy that is not natural. Fast forward later, she's in Port Angeles with two classmates and instead of trying on prom dresses she picks up a book at the local Quiluete tribe bookstore on "The cold ones". She gets intercepted by some unsavory characters who most probably have gang rape on their mind. Edward to the rescue again. He saves her life, and there's a local murder by unsavory vamps on a human that Bella's father knew. Bella checks out the book she got earlier, leading to another favorite scene of mine...Her discovery that Edward is a vampire.

It gets even better. As seen here:

I really can relate to Bella. She's clumsy, and she never felt "normal" I think that's why many of those with alcoholism and/or addiction related issues have loved this movie so much. Bella being the hopeless romantic, and Edward, who has fallen in love with her are a throwback to the classic novels of yesteryear. I'm not going to post anymore scenes, I'm gonna say watch it because it has elements of love, sacrifice, a sense of belonging to a group of people that one can be themself around.

Up next: New Moon and my thoughts on it.

More will be revealed...

Life on Life's Terms

 This week has been a slump. I have had to live with back pain as well as my hours at work being cut. I haven't filed a workman's comp for fear of being fired. Been in the bed a lot glued to the heating pad. Being careful w/what I'm taking for pain. At least I'm still sober, I guess that's something.

 I can only live life in the moment. I can't even project what's next. And maybe someday I'll have followers on this blog.. I do want to help others w/alcoholism and addiction problems. All I can do is stay in the moment and pray, realize I'm powerless over everything. My mom is still in the hospital and I've been concerned about her health. She deteriorated a few weeks ago and thought I was gonna lose her. Self pity is a bitch. But this, folks, is where I'm at. This too, shall pass. I hope that slogan is true.

More will be revealed....