A snippet of my novel (working title: The Halfway House)
Susan was starting to get used to this bleak place. She finally had gotten a job with a telemarketing firm known as American Telesales. However the uncertainty of this life was frightening. Her family hadn't visited with her yet. It would be two more weeks before she was allowed that luxury. Having to deal with all the other ladies and Miss Janae was causing some mental anguish. Memories came flooding back to her, this particular one going back to when she was a little girl of five years old.
I was remembering my first adventure outing when my mother wasn't looking out for me. She was engrossed in the afternoon matinee. I loved to explore and fantasize as a child, like any other child I suppose, but I would act on it. I started walking , and I finally arrived two streets away to the road where the giant (from my perception) cornfield stood. However when I heard the cows mooing I started to become frightened. So I walked back out onto the road instead of the tall grass. I finally arrived on the main road, Niles ferry. Ahead was a gas station where I planned to tell the clerk inside I was lost. I decided to pick some flowers on the roadside first. Talk about brazen. Cars were going by and that's when I decided to walk inside the small store/gas station.
The clerk saw me and said "Little girl where are your parents?"
" They are not with me" I said. "I was riding my pony when I lost him, and I was afraid I would get run over,"
Two elderly men , one I was suspecting was the owner told me he was going to take me home, and asked if I knew how to get home.
So believe it or not, I totally remembered how to get home, while these two old men took me home in their car.
They pulled up in the driveway to the half-frightened/half angry face of my mom in the front yard.
What have you done Suzy? My God you could have been hurt!"
"Well she remembered how to get home Maam, so I glad she made it home. Does she have a pony?"
Let's just say from there mom had a sharper eye from that time, and wasn't going to let me out of her sight.
I lit another cigarette out on the porch. I realized my weirdness was a trait going all the way back to childhood. In hindsight, I was lucky I wasn't molested.
More will be revealed....
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Here it goes, my first love, and the first aching, longing, sweet emotional period of pain.
1986
I finally am now writing about my first love, Danny Myers. It was an unusual relationship. I was a late bloomer of 23 and hadn't even started driving yet. Later in early 1987 I got my driver's license and my first car. But back to the main subject.
I was working at a grocery store in Stone Mountain Ga. Our grocery store had a new Grand re-opening, and we had new uniforms finally. We also had several new employees.
Fast forward three weeks. I had this bagger I thought was around 20 years old. It turned out he was 17. 17!!!!!! Holy crap I was in shock. I had proceded to get involved with our apartment complex's maintenance man. I was so naive for my age, but I was lonely and looking for my prince, albeit in the most dysfunctional way ever.
Somewhere along the way, the bagger had developed a crush on me. I'm not trying to be conceited, he really did! Even when he got out of school he hung around. My birthday was approaching and he told me at work one day he was going to bring me a cake for my birthday. My 23'rd to be exact. One of the supervisors closed my line off and she had nothing but good things to say about this guy. He brought his best friend along and a Twinkie for me with 2 candles in it. I made a wish and blew the candles out. And thus began the rollercoaster that I called love.
We began to go out, the first date was a sweet, wonderful memory. I fell in love with Danny, however I was unsure if he really had the same feelings. My best friend at the time had the label of "loose" and I thought maybe he thought I was an easy "lay".
Then came date number 3. We were in his car, a banana yellow colored 1969 Chevelle. It was nighttime. He was always playing Billy Joel's greatest hits. That night, when the song "She's Got a Way" started playing, he told me that's how he felt about me. We kissed and held each other that night. I had found my Romeo, and I was his older Juliet.
Unfortunately, the age difference proved to be stressful. He wanted it to progress physically, bedroom physically that is. I couldn't let it go any further. Danny was jailbait. I had to wait till he was eighteen, no longer a minor. Giving him a hickey didn't help either.His mother saw that thing on his neck and she was livid. We never consummated the relationship, I insisted we wait.
He couldn't. I had to make to make the painful decision to end it. The next four months he came into the store and I ached for him. It was awful. then I got the news he was moving to Chicago. That cinched it. But it has been a sweet memory of sweet pain and longing nevertheless. I had so much to learn, through trial and error, about everything.
More will be revealed....
I finally am now writing about my first love, Danny Myers. It was an unusual relationship. I was a late bloomer of 23 and hadn't even started driving yet. Later in early 1987 I got my driver's license and my first car. But back to the main subject.
I was working at a grocery store in Stone Mountain Ga. Our grocery store had a new Grand re-opening, and we had new uniforms finally. We also had several new employees.
Fast forward three weeks. I had this bagger I thought was around 20 years old. It turned out he was 17. 17!!!!!! Holy crap I was in shock. I had proceded to get involved with our apartment complex's maintenance man. I was so naive for my age, but I was lonely and looking for my prince, albeit in the most dysfunctional way ever.
Somewhere along the way, the bagger had developed a crush on me. I'm not trying to be conceited, he really did! Even when he got out of school he hung around. My birthday was approaching and he told me at work one day he was going to bring me a cake for my birthday. My 23'rd to be exact. One of the supervisors closed my line off and she had nothing but good things to say about this guy. He brought his best friend along and a Twinkie for me with 2 candles in it. I made a wish and blew the candles out. And thus began the rollercoaster that I called love.
We began to go out, the first date was a sweet, wonderful memory. I fell in love with Danny, however I was unsure if he really had the same feelings. My best friend at the time had the label of "loose" and I thought maybe he thought I was an easy "lay".
Then came date number 3. We were in his car, a banana yellow colored 1969 Chevelle. It was nighttime. He was always playing Billy Joel's greatest hits. That night, when the song "She's Got a Way" started playing, he told me that's how he felt about me. We kissed and held each other that night. I had found my Romeo, and I was his older Juliet.
Unfortunately, the age difference proved to be stressful. He wanted it to progress physically, bedroom physically that is. I couldn't let it go any further. Danny was jailbait. I had to wait till he was eighteen, no longer a minor. Giving him a hickey didn't help either.His mother saw that thing on his neck and she was livid. We never consummated the relationship, I insisted we wait.
He couldn't. I had to make to make the painful decision to end it. The next four months he came into the store and I ached for him. It was awful. then I got the news he was moving to Chicago. That cinched it. But it has been a sweet memory of sweet pain and longing nevertheless. I had so much to learn, through trial and error, about everything.
More will be revealed....
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
My family
Before I go any further on the issues I write about, I would love to write about the positive attributes of my family.
Dad
My father is an intelligent man. He had his demons and has beat them I think. He was a meteorologist, now retired.
He tought me all about movies and the actors who played them. He also played me all kinds of music on his stereo, and I developed a love for all kinds of music.
He encouraged fitness. I ran a few races as a kid, and I got up to 5th place in one track meet. He took me to the Junior Olympics and several track meets.
Dad loved science fiction. I used to watch Sci-Fi movies with him. He took me to fantasy movies also. One fond memory is of when he took me to see 2001: A Space Odyssey and near the end I was frightened when I saw the character Dave going through the strange journey towards the end. So we left the drive-in theatre. And the most memorable? Star Wars without a doubt. I fell in love with Harrison Ford and saw it so many more times I can't count them. This includes the sequels and the prequels. Many a long line line I stood in when I saw the movies, of course when they were still in their theatrical runs.
Mom
Mom was a teacher..She encouraged learning. She also at one time was interested in the para normal realm to a point, getting interested in psychics and the zodiac. She finally settled on Jesus, but that's another story. She endured many things, being the survivor of abuse.
My brother
My brother and I were very close at one time. Then he had trouble coping with me and my quirky nature. He is the father of seven children and he appears to be raising them well. He is a responsible father. He is more accepting of me, it seems than ever.
Me: I have the whole blog to remember all the things I need to write about so what I'll say now is:
More will be revealed....
Dad
My father is an intelligent man. He had his demons and has beat them I think. He was a meteorologist, now retired.
He tought me all about movies and the actors who played them. He also played me all kinds of music on his stereo, and I developed a love for all kinds of music.
He encouraged fitness. I ran a few races as a kid, and I got up to 5th place in one track meet. He took me to the Junior Olympics and several track meets.
Dad loved science fiction. I used to watch Sci-Fi movies with him. He took me to fantasy movies also. One fond memory is of when he took me to see 2001: A Space Odyssey and near the end I was frightened when I saw the character Dave going through the strange journey towards the end. So we left the drive-in theatre. And the most memorable? Star Wars without a doubt. I fell in love with Harrison Ford and saw it so many more times I can't count them. This includes the sequels and the prequels. Many a long line line I stood in when I saw the movies, of course when they were still in their theatrical runs.
Mom
Mom was a teacher..She encouraged learning. She also at one time was interested in the para normal realm to a point, getting interested in psychics and the zodiac. She finally settled on Jesus, but that's another story. She endured many things, being the survivor of abuse.
My brother
My brother and I were very close at one time. Then he had trouble coping with me and my quirky nature. He is the father of seven children and he appears to be raising them well. He is a responsible father. He is more accepting of me, it seems than ever.
Me: I have the whole blog to remember all the things I need to write about so what I'll say now is:
More will be revealed....
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Goals....A structured must
Well, it's January 2015 and I have set some daily goals. Blogging about it will help me get established again. I have set a simple few so far, as it was a very stressful Christmas season and I want to get back in the driver's seat again.
Goal #1: Put in a job application each day, even if I'm working that day. I'm healing after injuring my back and neck BTW, and hope to be back at work next week.
Goal #2: Write 2 pages of my book each week.
Well that's all for now but I will post or change the frequency of my goals as things change. And lordy do they need to!
I have added an extra goal: Go for a walk 3 times a week. I must get in better shape.
And as always: More will be revealed!
Goal #1: Put in a job application each day, even if I'm working that day. I'm healing after injuring my back and neck BTW, and hope to be back at work next week.
Goal #2: Write 2 pages of my book each week.
Well that's all for now but I will post or change the frequency of my goals as things change. And lordy do they need to!
I have added an extra goal: Go for a walk 3 times a week. I must get in better shape.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Christmas 2014, a lesson in stress management
This has been the most stressful Christmas in 20 + years. Family relations in my opinion are not that easy. Something happened that alienated me from my family. Due to my concerns about something. I will pay for this it seems for the rest of my life. Hopefully in years to come I will get some forgiveness. I'm trying to increase family bonds again. I'm going to try and not be a Scrooge, or a Grinch. I think the last worst Christmas was over 20+ years ago when I had a live in boyfriend who was a psycho. I'm not going to post any more music videos on my blog, just because a cyberbully harassed me on Twitter whom I had to block. The ex boyfriend used to tell me every now and then that he was going to kill me and bury me in the backyard. He killed one of my cats and , in his defense, ran over my other cat by accident. He immediately took him to the animal hospital. My cat died months later after I left him and since the new boyfriend , in 1995, wouldn't allow cats, I had to take him to one of my mother's friend's house. But she never cared for him well and my latter housemate and I rescued him, but he died of flea anemia. When I got the call, blamed myself of course, and the lady who took him in. I should have found a home for poor "Punkin". But that was the beginning of a long recovery period for me, the first in four recovery periods.
More will be revealed (Words taken from the big book)
More will be revealed (Words taken from the big book)
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Marilyn, my hat goes off to you and I bow in your presence
Back in 2010, when I lived in Winder Ga, Sometimes my head went to dangerous places. I do believe I was still quite naive after my divorce. I got on Twitter because
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.
Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.
When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.
Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada. My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.
Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.
But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.
Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.
More will be revealed...
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.
Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.
When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.
Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada. My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.
Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.
But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.
Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Courage
I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today. They call it pissing all over today.
I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off, Big Brother started early in the 2000's. But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.
Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.
The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.
I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.
I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.
This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.
More will be revealed....
I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today. They call it pissing all over today.
I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off, Big Brother started early in the 2000's. But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.
Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.
The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.
I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.
I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.
This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.
More will be revealed....
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