My family

Before I go any further on the issues I write about, I would love to write about the positive attributes of my family.

Dad

  My father is an intelligent man. He had his demons and has beat them I think. He was a meteorologist, now retired.
  He tought me all about movies and the actors who played them. He also played me all kinds of music on his stereo, and I developed a love for all kinds of music.
  He encouraged fitness. I ran a few races as a kid, and I got up to 5th place in one track meet. He took me to the Junior Olympics and several track meets.
  Dad loved science fiction. I used to watch Sci-Fi movies with him. He took me to fantasy movies also. One fond memory is of when he took me to see 2001: A Space Odyssey and near the end I was frightened when I saw the character Dave going through the strange journey towards the end.  So we left the drive-in theatre. And the most memorable? Star Wars without a doubt. I fell in love with Harrison Ford and saw it so many more times I can't count them. This includes the sequels and the prequels. Many a long line line I stood in when I saw the movies, of course when they were still in their theatrical runs.

Mom
Mom was a teacher..She encouraged learning. She also at one time was interested in the para normal realm to a point, getting interested in psychics and  the zodiac. She finally settled on Jesus, but that's another story. She endured many things, being the survivor of abuse.

My brother
My brother and I were very close at one time. Then he had trouble coping with me and my quirky nature. He is the father of seven children and he appears to be raising them well. He is a responsible father. He is more accepting of me, it seems than ever.

 Me: I have the whole blog to remember all the things I need to write about so what I'll say now is:

More will be revealed....

Goals....A structured must

  Well, it's January 2015 and I have set some daily goals. Blogging about it will help me get established again. I have set a simple few so far, as it was a very stressful Christmas season and I want to get back in the driver's seat again.

  Goal #1: Put in a job application each day, even if I'm working that day. I'm healing after injuring my back and neck BTW, and hope to be back at work next week.

  Goal #2: Write 2 pages of my book each week.

  Well that's all for now but I will post or change the frequency of my goals as things change. And lordy do they need to!

  I have added an extra goal: Go for a walk 3 times a week. I must get in better shape.

And as always: More will be revealed!

Christmas 2014, a lesson in stress management

 This has been the most stressful Christmas in 20 + years. Family relations in my opinion are not that easy.  Something happened that alienated me from my family.  Due to my concerns about something. I will pay for this it seems for the rest of my life.   Hopefully in years to come I will get some forgiveness. I'm trying to increase family bonds again. I'm going to try and not be a Scrooge, or a Grinch. I think the last worst Christmas was over 20+ years ago when I had a live in boyfriend who was a psycho. I'm not going to post any more music videos on my blog, just because a cyberbully harassed me on  Twitter whom I had to block. The ex boyfriend used to tell me every now and then that he was going to kill me and bury me in the backyard. He killed one of my cats and , in his defense, ran over my other cat by accident. He immediately took him to the animal hospital. My cat died months later after I left him and since the new boyfriend , in 1995, wouldn't allow cats, I had to take him to one of my mother's friend's house. But she never cared for him well and my latter housemate and I rescued him, but he died of flea anemia. When I got the call, blamed myself of course, and the lady who took him in. I should have found a home for poor "Punkin". But that was the beginning of a long recovery period for me, the first in four recovery periods.


More will be revealed (Words taken from the big book)

Marilyn, my hat goes off to you and I bow in your presence

Back in 2010, when I lived in Winder Ga, Sometimes my head went to dangerous places. I do believe I was still quite naive after my divorce. I got on Twitter because
I was a Twilight fan trying to hook up with other Twilight fans, sort of a hobby spun from a movie.

Then I saw a different world beyond that. A world I hadn't explored. When I was a kid on school I was the mousy geek. I still consider myself a mousy geek.

When I read biographies of Marillyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield however, I saw they were smart women. I saw low self esteem in both however and bless their hearts, Jayne Mansfield had an IQ of 163. Not sure about Marilyn Monroe's IQ. But she seemed very smart and soulful.

Years pass by and I am a divorcee, a quite neive one. I first noticed Torontofox on twitter, and I wanted to emulate her on twitter. She was ( and still is) a private escort in Toronto, Canada.  My drinking went to new heights, I popped God knows how many pills with it.

Then came the experimentation with my camera. I took tons of pictures of myself in the nude. I got the attention this mousy geek always wanted...Sex goddess. Men sent me pictures of well, you know. One man told me he enjoyed masturbating to my picture.I was a damaged, disturbed, attention seeker. Diagnosed w/Bipolar disorder and major depression. I was like one kind of woman wanting the attention of another kind of woman. I not only had sex with men but women as well. Women are beautiful. They offer a nurturing quality men don't have.

But it started to tear me apart. After attending swinger parties and being the girl unicorn that went home alone, I realized what I didn't want to be. It takes guts, guts I don't have .Now I'm an ordinary woman and that's ok. But to Marilyn and Jayne who used their sexuality for profit...I bow in their presence. They have since passed, one before I was born and the other when I was 3. They had guts.

Oh, and one more thing. I realized this sort ot of thing was not for me. I already was on a slow path to suicide.

More will be revealed...

Courage

I try to face each day as it comes rather than one foot in yesterday and one foot in today.  They call it pissing all over today.

I have a dog with an illness that slows her way down now. I'm searching the web for other jobs, 2nd jobs, or a full time job. But that's not what I say online. Because my job monitors social media. George Orwell you were a bit off,  Big Brother started early in the 2000's.  But back to my dog, I have started mourning early. My vet says it's not the time to give up on her and have her put to sleep. Thank God. But the time is gonna come, and I have to be a strong woman.

Recovery is indeed not for the faint of heart. My sobriety is nearing 2 years and I have to continue to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him.  That's a good thing because I'm only spiritual not religious.

The world is still a crazy place but I choose to concentrate on the beauty in life. I have friends here AND across the pond. Social media has been good in that area.

I have started back to writing my poetry, and after mentions on three websites, I'm grateful for that.

I have known so many people at meetings that are now dead, some of natural causes, and most from overdoses and alcohol poisoning. Those people help me stay sober by serving an example.

This song is about missing alcohol and the high octane pills I used to pop. It's like a romance...missing a lover that made me feel so good. However this must be noted: I take my mental health medications, and I don't question it. I'm dual diagnosis.

More will be revealed....

The addiction that nearly killed me

Well....Here I am again, months later. I'm about to celebrate 2 years of sobriety for the first time ever in my whole freaking life. It's now 5:29 in the morning. I wake  usually 3 hours too early but oh well, once I'm working full time again it will even out. I'm working at my part time job today. But I've summed up my disease in  a very intense song from the group "She Wants Revenge"

                                                     
The disease nearly took my life before I entered the halfway house 3 years ago (I was getting close to suicide) and I had a short relapse and bounced back. I believe my family of origin is toxic. A family member tries to censor me on Facebook as well...I'm staying out of relationships because men scare me now. I want respect these days and I believe I deserve to attract a healthier man. I had someone verbally slamming me because my blog wasn't her ideal of what a blog should be so I almost quit writing altogether. But someone on Facebook served as a muse to start me back up.  Also actress Kristen Johnson gave me some good advice on twitter. So in remembrance of the disease that nearly took my life,  I quote the kids and adults at meetings from the halfway house I used to live in ...."I don't have to live like that anymore!" The song "Tear you apart" serves as a great example of the disease of addiction talking to me.

More will be revealed.....

Life on Life's terms

I'm human, and I go through bad days as well as good. I have health problems, I want to lose weight, and money situation gets better, have a face lift. I'm pretty vain sometimes but I know the world is not all about me.

It's a much bigger world out there and all I can do is my best. And stay in the moment. Try not to focus on myself in a vain way all the time, but when it comes to my recovery keep the focus on myself and watch my behavior and my character defects.

Plus try to improve on myself.

More will be revealed.....